IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

many people like to go on holiday abroad, while other believes it is better to visit places within their own country. discuss both of view and give your opinion.

#people #holiday #visit #places #country
Although
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 some people tend to
visit
 another
country
 for
holiday
Correct article usage
a holiday
show examples
 to
experiencing
Wrong verb form
experience
show examples
 something new, others feel that it is better to
spent
Change the form of the verb
spend
show examples
holiday
Add an article
the holiday
a holiday
show examples
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 local
places
 in terms
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 economic reasons. Personally, I agree with the idea
to go
Change preposition
of going
show examples
 on
holiday
 abroad. Many people tend to choose to
visit
 their home
country
 for a
holiday
 because find it economical. Mostly, people go on vacation with their family which can consist
4
Change preposition
of 4
show examples
-6 persons, and that will
cost
 a lot of money. So,
instead
 of spending that money on booking flights and renting a hotel in a foreign land, they can enjoy
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
country
’s site
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 much less expense.
For example
, the
cost
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 4 flight tickets to Japan from Indonesia will
cost
Verb problem
be
show examples
 about IDR40.000.000, with that amount of money we can explore any
places
Fix the agreement mistake
place
show examples
 in
this
country
such
 as Bali Island or Lombok.
However
, despite the
cost
 that we should pay to go abroad, spending
holiday
Add an article
a holiday
the holiday
show examples
 in
foreign
Add an article
a foreign
show examples
country
 may offer some new experiences. There is a lot of food, culture, and traditions we can enjoy during our
holiday
.
Furthermore
, we can
visit
 any
places
that
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 not present in our own
country
.
For instance
, a number of international tourists would go to Japan to
visit
 Fuji Mountain or Tokyo Tower because there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
not
Correct your spelling
no
show examples
such
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
places
 in their own
country
, and
also
 because those two
places
 only exist in Japan. In conclusion,
although
 spending
holiday
Add an article
a holiday
the holiday
show examples
 in our
country
 is more economical than
holiday
Correct article usage
a holiday
show examples
 abroad, I think
visit
Wrong verb form
visiting
show examples
 foreign states can give a more experiences that we can not find in our own
country
.
Submitted by ers.2024 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Try varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and interest. This can show a wider range of language skills.
task achievement
Consider deepening your analysis by discussing both views in a balanced manner before giving your own opinion. This ensures a comprehensive exploration of the topic.
task achievement
Using a wider range of vocabulary related to the topic can make your arguments more compelling and demonstrate your language proficiency.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay effectively introduces and concludes the discussion, providing a clear viewpoint.
logical structure
You have logically structured your essay, making it easy to follow.
supported main points
You provide specific examples to support your points, which helps make your argument more convincing.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: