IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that sports play an important role in society. Others think they are nothing more than a leisure activity.’ Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports #role #society #leisure #activity
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Various
sports
Use synonyms
 are played by
people
Use synonyms
 around the globe.
While
Linking Words
 a comparatively small segment of the demographic engages in
such
Linking Words
 activity directly,
sports
Use synonyms
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 play a crucial
role
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human development.
This
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 essay will outline how
sports
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activities
Use synonyms
 are beneficial to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mankind. It is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
know
Change the verb form
known
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 fact that the opportunities one gets
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 if he becomes a successful athlete, are far
less
Correct quantifier usage
fewer
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 compared to traditional careers that
people
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 pursue. And even if one is successful it comes with a cost, as
activities
Use synonyms
 related to sport cost a fortune both to an individual
as well as
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 the government. The equipment and infrastructure needed in the journey to become a master in
this
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 field require a ton of money.
Thus
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, the risk outweighs the reward and
therefore
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people
Use synonyms
 consider
sports
Use synonyms
 as a pastime activity. A recent article in Hindustan
times
Capitalize word
Times
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 newspaper claimed that one out of a thousand
cricket
Use synonyms
 players are selected
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the Indian
cricket
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 team.
While
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 it is true that most individuals consider
sports
Use synonyms
 as a fun time, it is
also
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 known that sport plays a crucial
role
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
motivating a person and helps with
economic
Add an article
the economic
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 development of a country. It is because of various
sports
Use synonyms
activities
Use synonyms
 that
people
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 come together to support their team, which ignites the flame
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 nationalism. A successful sportsperson is considered by many
people
Use synonyms
 as their
role
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 model in life and they motivate
people
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 to stay healthy and fit. Various domestic and international
tournament
Fix the agreement mistake
tournaments
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 and competitions play a huge
role
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to increase
Change preposition
in increasing
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 the revenue of the government.
Such
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 competitive
activities
Use synonyms
 nurture various businesses in a country directly and indirectly, which is a win-win situation for all.
Cricket
Use synonyms
, a popular sport in India, is considered a religion here.
According to
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 a recent survey,
sports
Use synonyms
 channels are watched 60% more than the rest,
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television in India.
This
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 survey
also
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 declared that BCCI, the authority figure for
cricket
Use synonyms
 in India, is the richest Board in the world and generates a revenue of INR 10,000 crore for the nation.
To conclude
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, it is true that pursuing
sports
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 as a career can cause a dent in the pocket at an individual level, but on the flip
side
Add a comma
side,
show examples
 it can
also
Linking Words
 be a turn-around story for a nation on a broader scale. I would recommend the government
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
come up with various subsidies to encourage
sports
Use synonyms
 enthusiasts.
Submitted by niravfb1987 on

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task achievement
Although your essay addresses the task well by discussing both views and giving your opinion, it would be beneficial to further refine your arguments by providing more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your essay more persuasive and impactful.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's structure is sound, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs that support your thesis, and a conclusion. To enhance coherence, consider using a wider range of linking phrases and transitional words to better connect your ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction sets the stage well for the discussion, and your conclusion effectively summarizes your arguments and restates your opinion, which strengthens the coherence of your essay.
task achievement
You've done a good job of including relevant examples and statistics to support your arguments, particularly with references to the popularity of cricket in India and the financial aspect of sports. This adds depth to your discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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