IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

some people believe that it is best to accept a bad situation, such as an unsatisfactory job or shortage of money. Others argue that it is better to try and improve such situations. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion?

#people #situation #job #shortage #money #situations
Whether or not we should cop with unpleasant circumstances, is a debatable matter.
Although
 some prefer to hold their ground on these occasions, I
as well as
 many others believe that it is crucial to take action to make living more enjoyable. Some people find it hard to risk what they already have for some hypothetical better future.
As a result
, they would not mind going through rough patches every now and
then
 which will lead to their contemporary suffering.
Furthermore
, their concern about their social position should
also
 be noted because they might find it hard to be judged and ridiculed
while
 trying new things. A recent study demonstrates that individuals in their mid-thirties find it extremely hard to alter their routine for the better
due to
 their acquaintance's expectations.
On the other hand
, to try to ameliorate life should be each person's one and only obligation.
While
 making fundamental life decisions could bring unexpected events along the way, it is best that people at least try to alleviate them before giving in to adverse circumstances. To elaborate, one of their main obstacles is feeling unworthy;
therefore
, it should be of high importance to them to prove themselves wrong by aiming for a better career with sublime pay. Take my aunt as an example; she left her job to start her profession as a painter because she found her previous career intolerable, both financially and mentally and now she admits that despite the challenges she has been through, it was the best decision she ever made. In a nutshell,
while
 some tend to comply with difficulties in various aspects of their lives, others adhere to the notion that emphasizes
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
being open to modifications. I am utterly in agreement with the second group for the reasons that have been discussed.
Submitted by bita.rezaei7052 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay addressed the question fully and presented a clear position throughout. To further improve, ensure that your opinion is stated more explicitly in the introduction to set a strong foundation for your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
You used a range of cohesive devices effectively, which helped with the flow of your essay. To enhance this further, vary your linking phrases even more and consider the use of synonyms to avoid repetition.
Logical Structure
Your paragraphs are logically structured and there's a clear progression of ideas. To improve, make sure each paragraph opens with a clear topic sentence, making it immediately clear what the focus of the paragraph will be.
Task Achievement
Successfully presented a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before stating your own opinion, which enhances the task response score.
Relevant Specific Examples
Good use of example to illustrate your point, particularly the personal story about your aunt. This adds depth and relevance to your argument.
Introduction & Conclusion Present
Your conclusion effectively summarized your viewpoints and reinforced your personal stance on the topic, which solidifies the coherence of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • adversity
  • resilience
  • stoicism
  • contentment
  • cope
  • adapt
  • endure
  • persevere
  • settle
  • ambition
  • tenacious
  • determined
  • resourceful
  • optimistic
  • self-improvement
  • proactive
  • initiative
  • transform
  • overcome
  • confront
What to do next:
Look at other essays: