For a long time art has been considered an essential part of all cultures in the world. However, nowadays people’s values have changed, and we tend to consider science, technology and business more important than arts. What do you think are the causes of this? What can be done to draw people’s attention to art?

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One
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of the most
conspicious
Correct your spelling
conspicuous
trends of today's
world
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is to see a
collosal
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colossal
upsurge in people's interest towards science, technology and business as compared to
art
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across all countries of the
world
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, be it affluent or impoverished.The argument
whether
Change preposition
about whether
show examples
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
show examples
should focus on business and technology or on our old regime which came with us a long way called "
art
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" has been gathering momentum across the
world
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in recent times.It can be completely agreed that old is gold and it
also
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teaches us the different aspects of
life
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whereas
Linking Words
the STEM qualification helps us to tackle the needs of our
life
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in
this
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modern era. In
this
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essay, I will present an overview of these factors and suggest some effective measures which can help to draw people's attention towards
arts
Correct article usage
the arts
show examples
. There are a number of reasons accountable for
this
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soaring concern. The most preponderant
one
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is
that
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apply
show examples
the shift in educational priorities as schools are taking scholars towards the major topics required to deal with
real
Add a hyphen
real-life
show examples
life
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problems. The rapid advancement in technology is overshadowing the traditional forms of teaching.Masses are leaned towards the practical side of
life
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.
For instance
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, illness can only be treated with knowledge of
sceince
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science
as
art
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can't heal anyone from sickness. Not only,
this
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advancement
helps
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help
show examples
citizens
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
improve
the
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their
show examples
lifestyle
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lifestyles
show examples
but
also
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give
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gives
show examples
them
chance
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a chance
show examples
to earn. Needless to say, all these merits have a
far reaching
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far-reaching
show examples
impact on the public's mindset.
Furthermore
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,
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
show examples
are more aware of time management
now-a-days
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
.
For example
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, nobody
like
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likes
show examples
to spend hours
to create
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creating
show examples
a piece of
art
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and just earn less as compared to the businessmen
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
earning in minutes in
this
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digitalised
world
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. Solutions to
this
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problem are many but the most effective ones are complicated but effective. The primary
one
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stems from the fact that
the
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apply
show examples
schools should teach
a
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the
show examples
subject of fine arts to students from grade
one
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so that it can create a sense of
feelings
Fix the agreement mistake
feeling
show examples
in them.
Besides
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, the government should introduce stringent laws and regulations to ensure that the
meuseum
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museum
museums
and
art
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galleries should
low
Wrong verb form
lower
show examples
their entry fee so that everyone can access these facilities easily.
To conclude
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, dealing with
this
Linking Words
soring concern is
one
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of the most
prevanlent
Correct your spelling
prevalent
problems that faces almost all countries of the
world
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today.
Nevertheless
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, the concrete steps
as
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apply
show examples
discussed earlier can effectively strengthen the fight against and alleviate
this
Linking Words
growing concern. Its potential impact is indeed too dire to
ingnore
Correct your spelling
ignore
.
Submitted by kaurv083 on

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Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that your essay has clear and logical connections between paragraphs. Your essay demonstrates an understanding of this, but a more explicit connection could enhance clarity.
Coherence & Cohesion
In terms of cohesion, it's beneficial to use a variety of linking words and phrases throughout your essay. You've made a good attempt, but incorporating a wider range of transitional phrases can make the flow even smoother.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on your examples to make them more relevant and detailed. While you've provided examples, further elaboration could strengthen your argument and provide clearer support for your points.
Task Achievement
It's great to see a complete response to the given topic, including an introduction, discussion, and conclusion. To push your grade higher, ensure each paragraph contains a clear main idea and is fully developed with examples and explanations.
Introduction & Conclusion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion which clearly present the topic and your standpoint.
Logical Structure
Your essay demonstrates a good attempt at structuring paragraphs in a logical order, which aids in making your argument clear.
Complete Response & Clear Ideas
You've addressed the task directly and provided a clear opinion, which is excellent for task achievement.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • STEM fields (Science, Technology, Engineering, and Mathematics)
  • evolve
  • technological advancements
  • overshadowing
  • financial pressures
  • practical careers
  • digital entertainment
  • accessible
  • integrated
  • curricula
  • fostering
  • emotional intelligence
  • public art projects
  • engage
  • interactive
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