IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

some parents, specially mothers stay at home instead working, and some people think that they should receive monetary compensation from the government. Do you agree or disagree.

#parents #mothers #home #people #compensation #government
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It is undeniable that some groups of parents let mothers stay at their homes
instead
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 of working.
However
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, there are those who claim that they should get money as compensation from the government. Personally, I partially disagree that many
authorities
Use synonyms
 have to pay the wages of
this
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 point. The supporting reasons will be discussed throughout
this
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 essay. There are crucial reasons why the government's responsibilities should neglect housewives staying at home. The initial matter to be mentioned is that the foundations of families are held mainly by their own breadwinners. So,
this
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 action shows that men's income should be divided.
As a consequence
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, the household’s expenses must be covered by individual families. Another thing is that it is not the only way to let men have jobs.
As a result
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, parents are able to have their salaries in both of them.
On the contrary
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, supporting the funding of ordinary wives by
authorities
Use synonyms
 might reduce the expenditures that belong to males’ duties. The first and the most obvious reason is that numerous female usually spend time with their offspring until they have sacrificed their previous jobs.
However
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,
this
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 action should get consideration and assistance from government funding.
Hence
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, these women lack income, which leads them to dwell at home.
Additionally
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, compensation might be provided under the policy, which is restricted per month.
To conclude
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,
although
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 mothers are not granted monetary compensation, the
authorities
Use synonyms
 should provide them with optional jobs. As a suggestion, the
authorities
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 should launch a campaign about how wives can produce
further
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 income
while
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 they are dwelling at home.
Submitted by sasinipapj on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay presents a good structure with a clear introduction, developed body paragraphs, and a conclusion. However, you could enhance the coherence by connecting your ideas more smoothly and clearly. Using a wider range of cohesive devices such as 'furthermore', 'in addition', or 'on the other hand' could improve the flow of your essay.
task achievement
You've done well in addressing the topic and providing arguments for both sides, followed by your own opinion. For a higher score in task achievement, ensure that your examples are specific and directly support your main ideas. Enhancing the specificity of your examples will make your arguments stronger and more persuasive.
general
Try to ensure clarity in your writing by avoiding overly complex or convoluted sentences. Shorter, clearer sentences can often convey your ideas more effectively than longer, more intricate ones.
coherence cohesion
Clear structure with identifiable introduction, body, and conclusion segments.
task achievement
Addressed the prompt by discussing both sides of the argument before stating a personal stance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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