IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The Education of young people is the main priority in countries around the world. some believe that educating adults who cannot read or write is essential for society and more funding should be made available for it. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#education #people #priority #countries #world #believe #adults #society
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Most countries believe that the younger generation must be given the first chance to study and educate themselves.
Whereas
, others believe that educating the older generation and teaching them is of significant importance. I believe that most countries are doing the right thing.
Firstly
, Youngsters have incredible learning abilities, they can learn fast and are agile. They are learning skills for the future and
thus
 are going to create a bigger impact than adults. To cite an example, As per the population index of the world, 58
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of the world population is below the age of 30,
hence
, for their personal and professional growth, more money should be pumped to get them better jobs, careers and
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
fulfilling professional life.
Additionally
, Education for the young generation is very expensive. For bachelors, a student has to pay an average tuition fee of around 15000$.
Thus
, they need more support.
However
, the right to education is for all, and some part of the budget should be spent on educating adults with basic life skills. In conclusion, I strongly opine that teenagers must be prioritized and some amount of the education budget should be kept for older people.
Submitted by avesh1409 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
While your essay expresses a clear viewpoint, to enhance task achievement further, consider deepening your discussion with more specific examples. This will substantiate your arguments and provide a richer analysis.
Coherence & Cohesion
You have managed to create an essay with a good logical structure. For further improvement, ensure each paragraph starts with a clear topic sentence that directly supports your main point. This will make your arguments even clearer to the reader.
Introduction & Conclusion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively outline your stance and summarize your argument, which is essential for both task achievement and coherence.
Content
Your essay displays a solid understanding of the topic and you've made strong efforts to present a balanced argument by considering both the emphasis on youth and adult education.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: