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Band 5

Many people think that painting and music do not directly improve the quality of people. Therefore, governments should not spend too much money on artistic projects. Do you agree or disagree?

#people #music #quality #governments #money #projects
Undoubtedly, with the increasing numbers of individuals who pay more attention to the improvement and convenience of science and technology,
people
 have started to neglect the importance of
art
.
Hence
, some
people
 harbour a belief that authorities should not spend too much funding to develop the artistic realm. From my perspective, it is a very controversial issue which deserves
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 in-depth discussion, and a conclusion will be drawn.
To begin
 with,
art
 plays a vital role in our daily life. Admittedly, there is a growing tendency
that
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
 nowadays to either participate in
art
 exhibitions
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or join music concerts as a way of fostering relationships with family and friends during the weekend.
Moreover
,
art
 projects are an effective and achievable solution to relieve the pressure from work and study.
According to
 a study conducted by National Taiwan University, 80
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of middle-aged adults reflected that having positive and constructive thoughts after participating in
art
 activities. On the other end of the spectrum, Artworks effectively and unexpectedly
shrink
Correct subject-verb agreement
shrinks
show examples
 the gap and
promote
Correct subject-verb agreement
promotes
show examples
 more interactions between countries.
For instance
, BTS, a Korean K-pop group, was extremely popular among millennials and
invited
Add a missing verb
was invited
show examples
 to give a speech encouraging teenagers to love themselves at the United Nations. Music demonstrates that it can connect thousands of
people
 across language barriers. In conclusion, even though artworks do not directly affect improving
people
's lives, their merits must not be ignored by governments
due to
 the function of connecting relationships and the benefits that shrinking the country's barriers.
Submitted by bpcivvian on

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supported main points
Ensure you thoroughly develop each main idea with more detailed explanations or examples to strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Review and ensure minor grammatical or spelling inaccuracies are minimized to improve clarity.
coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance the readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
While maintaining a strong structure, try to seamlessly integrate your examples with the points being made for a smoother flow of ideas.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view on the importance of art, emphasizing both its personal and societal value effectively.
introduction conclusion present
You concluded your essay well, summarizing your main points and restating your position coherently.
relevant specific examples
The use of examples, such as the BTS at the United Nations, makes your argument more compelling and concrete.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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