there are many different types of music in the world today. why do we need music? is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

#music #world #country

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this

modern-day world, there

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

a lot of genres

music

Change preposition

of music

show examples

that are being introduced to us.

This

is because

music

simply can help us to express our feelings.

Although

some

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

international

music

is getting more recognized by

people

these days, I personally believe that

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

traditional

music

holds

the

Correct article usage

show examples

importance

Replace the word

important

show examples

roles

Fix the agreement mistake

role

show examples

to show

Change preposition

in showing

show examples

the country's uniqueness. For some musicians, creating

music

is their

ways

Fix the agreement mistake

way

show examples

to show

Change preposition

of showing

show examples

people

about

Change preposition

apply

show examples

how they feel.

Moreover

, their listeners can

also

Change the verb form

relate

be related

show examples

to those feelings and help them to release their emotions through their songs or their instruments.

For instance

, many psychologists use instrumental

music

to help their patients release their anxiety and become calmer.

Although

Remove the comma

apply

show examples

social media affected

people

to listen more the international

music

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

traditional

music

become more popular in the tourism industry as a

culture

Replace the word

cultural

show examples

and traditional

aspects

Fix the agreement mistake

aspect

show examples

For example

, Angklung as an

Indonesia's

Change noun form

Indonesia

show examples

music

intrument

Correct your spelling

instrument

become more popular these days.

This

also

make

Change the verb form

makes

show examples

a Sundanese song

such

as Manuk Dadali and Mojang Priangan can be listened

Change preposition

to by

show examples

people

all over the world. In conclusion, we can not eradicate

music

from our

life

Fix the agreement mistake

lives

show examples

because it helps us to release our emotions.

Moreover

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

traditional

music

helps the nations to promote their own culture.

Submitted by ers.2024 on Tue Apr 09 2024

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Task Achievement

Strengthen your argumentation by providing more varied and specific examples. Incorporating diverse and detailed instances can enrich your essay and support your points more effectively.

Coherence & Cohesion

To improve coherence, ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs. Using more varied transitional phrases can enhance the flow of ideas and maintain reader engagement.

Task Achievement & Coherence/Cohesion

Effective use of examples such as using music in psychology and the Angklung instrument to illustrate points.

Coherence & Cohesion

Clear introduction and conclusion that effectively frame the essay's main points.

Task Achievement

Your essay demonstrates a good understanding of the topic and presents a balanced view, recognizing the importance of both traditional and international music.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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7
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
2
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
22
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

<4

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

204 words

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Topic Vocabulary:

emotional release
cultural significance
globalization
cultural exchange
technology
preservation
cultural heritage
social cohesion
expression
consumption
production
traditional music
international music
diversity
identity

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there are many different types of music in the world today. why do we need music? is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

Your opinion

It is becoming increasingly popular to have a year off between finishing school and going to university. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this.

Experts should beware of the consequences of a harmful lifestyle. Despite this warning, most people have already become addicted to the same types of activities. This essay will discuss several causes and suggest some solutions to tackle this problem

⁠The older generations tend to have very traditional ideas about how people should live, think and behave. However, some people believe that these ideas are not helpful in preparing younger generations for modern life. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that the price increase of fattening foods will solve this problem.