IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health. Others believe that the Government should make sure that their citizens are healthy.

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Introduction
Some
people
Use synonyms
 think that you should take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 your
health
Use synonyms
. Others believe that
Use synonyms
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
 should make it.
People
Use synonyms
 should be responsible for their
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
The first view
think
Verb problem
is
show examples
 that
Use synonyms
person
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
 should take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
health
Use synonyms
. Man spends time by himself every day and he
know
Change the verb form
knows
show examples
 how he
feel
Change the verb form
feels
show examples
 during the day. So
people
Use synonyms
 should be
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
Replace the word
responsible
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
individuals
Fix the agreement mistake
individual
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
For example
Linking Words
, you caught a cold and only you know that you have
temperature
Add an article
a temperature
show examples
, cough and sore throat.
That’s
Unnecessary verb
That
show examples
Use synonyms
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 should go
a
Change preposition
to a
show examples
doctor. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 you always must be in your first place. Only you should take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
you
Correct pronoun usage
yourself
show examples
 and no one else.
Body paragraph 3
That’s
Use synonyms
people
Rephrase
why people
show examples
 think that you should be responsible for your
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 4
Second
Correct article usage
The second
show examples
 view
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the
Government
Use synonyms
 should
make
Correct your spelling
take
show examples
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
Use synonyms
citizens
Change noun form
citizens'
citizen's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
People
Use synonyms
 think that the
Government
Use synonyms
 should provide a routine
check up
Correct your spelling
checkup
show examples
 with doctors and
day
Correct article usage
a day
show examples
 off
at
Change preposition
from
show examples
 work when you go to the
doctors
Fix the agreement mistake
doctor
show examples
.
Body paragraph 5
For example
Linking Words
, there is smog in the city. The
Government
Use synonyms
 should build air
purifier
Fix the agreement mistake
purifiers
show examples
 because
people
Use synonyms
 can’t
breath
Replace the word
breathe
show examples
 polluted air. Polluted air leads to lung congestion. I think that the
government
Use synonyms
 should take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
citizens
Use synonyms
 at the global level.
Body paragraph 6
That’s
Use synonyms
people
Rephrase
why people
show examples
 believe that the
Government
Use synonyms
 should make sure that their
citizens
Use synonyms
 are healthy.
Conclusion
In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 some
people
Use synonyms
 think that
Use synonyms
Correct article usage
a person
show examples
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should be responsible
about
Change preposition
for
show examples
your
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
health
Use synonyms
,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 believe that the
Government
Use synonyms
 should take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
citizens
Use synonyms
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
Use synonyms
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
 should take
care
Use synonyms
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
yourself
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
show examples
 privately and the
Government
Use synonyms
 should make sure at the global level.

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structural advice
Make sure your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs that focus on one main idea each, and a conclusion. This structure helps readers follow your argument more easily.
language advice
Try to use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to demonstrate your English proficiency. Some sentences in your essay are a bit repetitive or simplistic.
content advice
Use specific examples to support your arguments. The more detailed your examples, the more convincing your essay will be.
grammar and accuracy advice
Be careful about the consistence of pronoun usage (e.g., 'your' vs 'their' health). This helps in maintaining clarity in your arguments.
content highlight
You present both views before stating your own opinion, as the question prompt requires.
content highlight
You have tried to provide examples to support your points, which is good practice.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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