IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Recently the population of youth have been increased in some countries in comparison with the old
people
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. In my opinion, the positive parts of
this
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 outweigh the negative ones for many reasons. A
country
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 full of young
people
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 has a good human source for its industrialization as the workforce. Having enough workforce is the most important
part
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 of business improvement.
Although
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 providing job opportunities is a challenging item for authorities, they can address it easily by ready infrastructure like having a number of successful companies who are looking for qualified workers or managers in any field or talent. If a
country
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 does not have freshly graduated students for replacement, the old generation have to work more and the retired age will be raised.
This
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 can affect the quality of products or services and
also
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 in the worst stage ruin the reputation of the company or even in international competitions in the
country
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. Another reason for its advantage is that the young
part
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 of a society can pay taxes in order to meet the old
part
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's needs through their pensions. A lack of employees who have the ability to work would lead a
country
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 to a serious financial issue in the near future. Without
people
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 who can pay the
country
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's taxes, the government have to cut off pensions.
For example
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, some years ago France witnessed a big demonstration in
this
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 regard which was held by old
people
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 who wanted their pensions back. In conclusion, increasing the young
part
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 of society (even more than the old one) is more beneficial and it can provide
themwith abig
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them with a
 proportion of workers who can pay taxes which is one of the sources of the government's income for paying the old
people
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's pension.

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coherence cohesion
Consider varying your sentence structure to keep your writing interesting. While you have a good control over the sentences, a greater variety could enhance readability.
task achievement
While your argument is well-structured, integrating more specific real-world examples could enhance your argument's credibility and depth.
general
Pay careful attention to subject-verb agreement and articles. Minor mistakes like 'the government have' should be 'the government has' can distract from your overall message.
introduction conclusion present
You've done an excellent job providing a clear introduction and conclusion which frames your essay well.
logical structure
Your essay provides a coherent argument, skillfully balancing advantages and disadvantages.
relevant specific examples
The use of specific examples from France adds relevance and specificity to your arguments.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
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