IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In their advertising, businesses nowadays usually emphasise that their products are new in some way. Why is this? Do you think it is a positive or a negative development?

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With the advancement of technology, business uses several digital methods to enhance sales of
companies
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. Some members of society argue that the techniques used in advertising by
organisations
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 are immoral and unacceptable. I agree with
this
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 opinion, and I believe that methods used in advertising must be adjusted. In the 21st century, people can easily see
advertisements
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 in many places and at many times.
However
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, it is unacceptable for audiences to see
advertisements
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 right in the middle of their favourite films. The reason behind
this
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 phenomenon is that some organizations pay a lot of money for social
companies
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 (Google or Meta) to show pop-up
advertisements
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 at the tops of movies, when have many people’s eyes on them.
Consequently
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,
companies
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 earn more profit than usual, but audiences are furious because they do not have permission to skip fifteen seconds of
advertisements
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 to continue watching their films.
Furthermore
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, there are
also
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 dozens of
advertisements
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 in sensitive rooms
such
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 as dressing rooms or toilets.
In addition
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, certain
advertisements
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 not only disturb the harmony of the region but
also
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 divide society into different sections.
For instance
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, an advertisement is done by a well-known clothing company in northern Vietnam in which it was giving an upper hand to the majority religious group
while
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 neglecting the minority of the area. After that, it was banned but a report by the National Investing Agency illustrates that it created differences between two distinct sectors of the country. Some
organisations
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 play with the emotions of the denizens so the Administration must take indispensable actions against the
companies
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 that follow unethical practices. In conclusion,
although
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 the ultimate goals of
organisations
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 are earning profit and
advertisements
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 are the most crucial method of communication, customers nowadays accept ethical
advertisements
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.
Organisations
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 should listen more to people’s complaints about advertising issues and try to solve those problems.
For example
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, Google satisfies people’s requirements by making
advertisements
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 smaller and putting them on the left or right corner of websites.

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task achievement
Try to keep your essay closely aligned with the given topic. It seems you've discussed the ethics of advertisements rather than emphasizing on products being marketed as 'new'. Refocusing your essay to answer the specific questions asked could help enhance your score.
task achievement
Including a brief introduction that clearly states your position and a conclusion that summarizes your main points will make your argument stronger and your essay more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a good effort in organizing ideas logically, particularly with clear paragraphs for each main point. Keep on improving this aspect by ensuring smooth transitions and clearer topic sentences.
coherence cohesion
To enhance the readability and flow of your essay, consider varying your sentence structures more and using linking words more effectively to connect your ideas.
task achievement
Provided specific examples to support your arguments, which strengthens the overall credibility and persuasiveness of your essay.
coherence cohesion
You've clearly structured your essay with distinct paragraphs for each main idea, which helps in maintaining coherence throughout your piece.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • emphasise
  • advertising
  • products
  • innovation
  • competitive strategy
  • consumer dissatisfaction
  • value
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