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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that having children leads to happiness. Do you think that people who do not have children can find happiness? What other factors in a person's life affect happiness?

#people #children #happiness #factors #person #life
In contemporary society, many
people
 believe that having children makes
people
 happiness and joy.
However
, others assert that there are diverse factors that bring
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 happiness without
kids
. In
this
 essay, I will explain why
people
 who don't have their
kids
 can feel happy and propose diverse ideas in
people
's lives
affect
Correct pronoun usage
that affect
show examples
 happiness. There are surely a few reasons why we can live it up without their sons and daughters. First and foremost,
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 main reason is that they can save a lot of money and they can expenditure their money on hobbies.
For example
, in Korea, they need a lot of money if they want to raise
kids
 because of education
fee
Fix the agreement mistake
fees
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, hospital charges, and clothes are expensive.
In contrast
, if they don't have
kids
 they can learn whatever they want to learn
such
 as sports, and arts, and even they can raise pets.
Secondly
, another reasonable one is that parents need not argue about parenting problems
for instance
 different
ways
 of discipline, education
ways
, and eating habits. Because
,
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apply
show examples
 they are raised
by
Change preposition
in
show examples
 different environments they have diverse ideas when raising
kids
. In spite of the above-mentioned content, there are various factors that make their lives happy.
Firstly
, raising pets
such
 as dogs, cats, and parrots is one of the best
ways
 to spend their time full of humour.
For example
, sometimes when I go to the park, I can see a dog and my grandmother and at that time, the owner says to me dog is better than
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 person because the dog obeys
owner’s
Correct article usage
the owner’s
show examples
 requirements.
Moreover
, sometimes their residence makes
people
 happy and comfortable.
For example
, in my case, whenever I return to my flat after my daily routine, I feel comfortable and thrilled. To sum it up, considering all the previously mentioned information even though having children has positive effects on
theirs
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 lives,
however
, I believe that we can fulfil our life
happy
Change the word
happily
show examples
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 other
ways
.
Submitted by wowoo04066 on

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Grammar & Spelling
Make sure to carefully check your essay for minor grammar and spelling errors. These can slightly distract from the overall quality of your writing.
Vocabulary
Consider using a wider range of vocabulary to express your ideas. This can add depth to your essay and impress the readers.
Examples
When providing examples, try to elaborate more on how they directly support your argument. This can strengthen your position and make your essay more persuasive.
Sentence Structure
Remember to include a variety of sentence structures in your writing. This can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate your linguistic flexibility.
Structure
You've done a great job introducing and concluding your essay, creating a strong framework for your argument.
Coherence & Cohesion
The logical flow of ideas and effective paragraphing make your essay easy to follow, enhancing its coherence and cohesion.
Task Response
Your essay successfully addresses the prompt, providing a balanced perspective on the topic and fully answering the question.
Use of Examples
You've used relevant examples to support your points, which adds credibility and interest to your essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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