IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that history should be taught to children at school. Others however, believe that there are other subjects that are more relevant to children’s lives today. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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In recent times, some think that historical subjects should be taught to students at school.
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While others
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Others
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 argue that they should be educated in other related
skills
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 to serve their daily practices. In my opinion, I personally agree with the viewpoint that
children
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 should learn about other relevant
skills
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instead
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 of
history
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 in their classes. Those feel that
history
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 class should be replaced by the relevance of other subjects.
History
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 contains the facts and conditions
in
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of
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 a certain time, where young generations can obtain that knowledge to protect themselves from several risks.
For example
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, the Asian economic crisis in the
last
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 few decades,
also
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 known as the Tom Yung Kung crisis,
which
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apply
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had a significant impact on
southeast
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Southeast
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 countries. Especially Thailand's economy,
it
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apply
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had been increasing debts and decreasing national currency, which had a huge negative impact on investors
particularly
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, particularly
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 local banks. Politicians look at the decisions of previous leaders to determine their plan of action.
Hence
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,
history
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 teaches
children
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 the importance of determining the specific conditions and circumstances that led to certain events so that they may make more informed decisions.
However
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, I would argue that
children
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 should learn about other subjects,
such
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 as information
technology
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. When they learn about
technology
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, they can understand how to use a web browser to do their research projects
,
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apply
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 and create
powerpoint
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PowerPoint
 for their presentation. These are really useful
skills
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 that students, not only use in their high school classes,
perhaps
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but perhaps
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it
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they
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 will
also
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 be valuable in their university classes. Because in university life, they will use
technology
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 in almost every class.
As a result
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, students have more
familiars
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families
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 to do things fast. In conclusion,
while
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 it is true that
history
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 offers a variety of useful lessons to
children
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. I would argue that all
children
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 should learn about relevant
skills
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,
such
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 as information
technology
Use synonyms
 as it is a valuable source of knowledge.

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task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively by presenting and discussing both viewpoints. However, to score higher, you should provide more balanced arguments and a more thorough discussion of each side.
task achievement
Try to elaborate more on the reasoning behind the viewpoints, providing additional examples or theoretical support. This can make your points stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
There are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases. Reviewing grammar and sentence structure can enhance clarity. Read through each sentence carefully for fluency and correctness.
coherence cohesion
Your essay could benefit from more varied use of cohesive devices (e.g., 'nevertheless,' 'moreover'). This will help to link your ideas more effectively and avoid repetition.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay well.
task achievement
The essay shows an understanding of the topic and provides relevant examples to support your points, such as the example of the Asian economic crisis and the benefits of learning information technology.
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