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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In many countries, the amount of crime is increasing. What do you think are the main causes of crime? How can we deal with those causes?

#countries #amount #crime
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In several countries, the rate of crime is rising. In
this
 essay, my essay will show some reasons why
this
 is happening and suggest several solutions to deal with
this
 problem. There are two reasons behind the increase in crime.
Firstly
, the lack of family education is the most significant factor.
For instance
, parental divorce leads to a lack of love and time for their children, and inadequate education will develop a negative attitude. At
last
,
this
 results in more serious crimes,
such
 as bullying, or drug addiction.
Secondly
, unemployment is
also
 an important factor. If people do not have income,
while
 they still need to cover the cost of living, some of them may become thieves.
Consequently
, that has an enormous impact on the decreasing number of crime rates. There are several ways to decrease the number of crimes. To be specific, parents should spend more time
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their kids by reducing working hours.
Thus
, they can have opportunities to listen to and share with their kids, thereby gaining a deeper understanding of them.
As a result
, their children can take a positive attitude toward life.
Furthermore
, the government should provide more
job
 opportunities in order to reduce the rate of joblessness, and employees need to improve their skills and qualifications for the positions they’re applying for. By doing so, the government can create a variety of
job
 markets and individuals can make themselves more attractive to employers and increase their chances of getting a
job
. If people can maintain their economic condition, they will not be involved in illegal activities. In conclusion, the number of crimes is growing
due to
 inadequate family education and joblessness and
this
 can be solved when parents spend more time
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their children
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 and with the support of the government in creating
job
 markets.
Submitted by phuongdungnurse on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to link ideas between paragraphs more seamlessly, using a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance flow.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding on your examples with more detail to strengthen your arguments and make your essay more persuasive.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompts, providing a clear understanding of the main causes of crime and proposing viable solutions.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've successfully structured your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
Task Achievement
Good use of examples to support your points, particularly in discussing the impact of lack of family education and unemployment on crime rates.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • economic disparity
  • propensity
  • recidivism
  • deterrent
  • rehabilitative
  • judicial system
  • corruption
  • socioeconomic
  • alienation
  • stigmatization
  • decriminalization
  • enforcement
  • gentrification
  • preemptive measures
  • intervention strategies
What to do next:
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