IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

More and more people are becoming seriously overweight. Some people say that raising the prices of fast food will solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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The overweight
problems
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 are a topic that
people
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 are usually concerned about, there are some believe that increasing the
prices
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 of fast
food
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 will be a solution to solve
this
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 issue. In my personal opinion, I do not completely agree with
this
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 statement. In
this
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 essay, I will discuss it clearly.
To begin
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 with, there is one main reason that causes
people
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 to think overweight
problems
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 will be tackled if there is a rise in the
prices
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 of fast
food
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,
that is
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 to cause customers to give it up gradually. A realistic example,
the
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is the
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 failure of fast
food
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 chains in Vietnam, which were established to replace morning breakfast in Vietnam, but
this
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 plan completely bankrupted
while
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 Vietnamese citizens preferred having cheap meals
such
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 as pho, banh mi, or com tam to having fast foods quite expensive compare to low-level cost in Vietnam. Granted, Vietnamese
people
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 can maintain a quite perfect body when avoiding high fat thresholds in fast
food
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 which has been proven by scientists.
As a result
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, that makes
people
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 convinced to consider increasing the
prices
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, but it is quite different from level cost in two distinct areas, so it does not sound
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while
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like
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people
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 still can afford it in developed countries like the USA, UK, etc.
Furthermore
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, fast
food
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 chains
also
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 contribute a large amount of economic value in each country which will affect the economy considerably if the amount of customers is reduced which is quite similar to the crisis in the Union of soviet in the previous century
due to
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 the increase in the
prices
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 of alcohols.
Additionally
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, not only fast foods harm
people
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 having physical health
problems
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, but not exercise regularly and have a way of healthy habits
also
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 do so.
Hence
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,
instead
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 of raising
prices
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, medical authorities should encourage or establish some programs to raise their awareness of the outweigh
problems
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, and highly recommend to take exercises frequently. In conclusion,
although
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 praising the
prices
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 of fast
food
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 works out in some areas, they're a perfect solution
while
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 damaging significantly to the economy. So authorities should conduct some programs or have a better solution to raise
people
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's awareness of obesity
problems
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.

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clarity
Be clear and concise in expressing your arguments. Some sentences were overly complex, making them difficult to follow.
sentence structure
Use a variety of sentence structures to make your writing more engaging. Avoid repetitive sentence starts to enhance readability.
argument balance
For a stronger argument, consider both sides more evenly. While you presented a clear stance, integrating counterarguments more thoroughly can enrich your discussion.
conclusion
Ensure your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoint and the reasons behind it. Reinforce your thesis statement without introducing new information.
transitional devices
Work on smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance the flow of your essay. This will help in maintaining logical progression and cohesion.
examples
You provided specific examples to support your main points, which strengthens your arguments.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion were present and structured appropriately, giving a good frame to your essay.
critical engagement
You demonstrated an ability to engage with the topic critically, presenting a personal perspective.
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