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Band 5

In many countries, people are now living longer than ever before. Some people say an ageing population creates problems for governments. Other people think there are benefits if society has more elderly people.

#countries #people #population #governments #society
In many parts of the
world
Add a comma
world,
show examples
people
 tend to live longer compared to the past generations,
while
 some are worried that
this
 might lead to problems
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 the state, others are taking it as a positive way thinking that
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 can greatly contribute to
society
.
this
 essay will enlighten both perspectives. There are
people
 who think that geriatrics can be a burden to
society
 because the older they get the less they can do to help the government flourish in its own way.
For instance
,
instead
 of working they are staying home or in the hospital because they are too fragile to do heavy work.
As a result
, they will rely more on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government funding to supply their medications and basic needs.
Therefore
,
this
 will lead to a huge economic burden.
While
 other individuals believe that if there are more number of older
people
 in the country
this
 can have some advantage.
Due to
this
, their presence can make
people
 wonder how they are staying healthy in an
advance
Replace the word
advanced
show examples
 age.
Also
,
this
 might attract journalist to cover their secrets and can give a good image to
society
.
As a result
, more tourist will come to their place and
this
 can boost their economy in tourism and eventually can help the government. In conclusion, in every
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
 there are always pros and cons, and folks
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 always
comments
Change the verb form
commented
show examples
 on everything that’s been going on. But, I believe that
people
 regardless of their age can always contribute to
society
 in their own ways.
Submitted by LECORMOON88 on

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Support with Examples
Try to provide more specific examples to support your arguments. This can make your essay stronger and more convincing.
Sentence Variety
Consider varying your sentence structure to add complexity and sophistication to your writing.
Argument Depth
Be cautious about generalizations, ensuring your argument remains nuanced and considerate of different perspectives.
Introduction & Conclusion
You have effectively introduced and concluded your essay, providing a clear overview of the topic and summarizing your argument well.
Logical Structure
You've maintained a good logical flow, making it easy for the reader to follow your line of reasoning.
Balanced Perspective
Your essay recognizes multiple perspectives on the issue, reflecting a balanced view.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • ageing population
  • benefits
  • disadvantages
  • advantages
  • experience
  • knowledge
  • contribution
  • economy
  • society
  • healthcare
  • youth employment
  • community
  • intergenerational support
  • volunteerism
  • mentorship
  • increased demand
  • pension costs
  • social welfare systems
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • intergenerational conflict
  • technological adaptability
  • dependency
  • effective
  • skill development
  • employment opportunities
  • intergenerational solidarity
  • communication
  • lifelong learning
  • technological literacy
  • age-friendly
  • social policies
  • infrastructure
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