IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that schools should only teach children subjects which are beneficial to their future career and therefore others subjects such as music and sports are not important To what extend do you agree or disagree

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Technology has revolutionized the world in an astonishing way.
Now-a-days
Correct the word
Nowadays
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, students in their schooling
consists
Correct subject-verb agreement
consist
show examples
 of various subjects. Some of these subjects are
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to make a bright future
while
Linking Words
 some activities are involved to make children healthy and more concentrated.
However
Linking Words
, there is a thinking among population that the subjects
such
Linking Words
 as science and maths should
be teach
Change the verb form
be taught
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 to the students as these are necessary to develop
career
Correct article usage
a career
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 and other activities like
music
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 and
sports
Use synonyms
 have no value in their
life
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, so these should be eliminated from
curriculum
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the curriculum
show examples
. I mostly disagree with
this
Linking Words
prospective
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perspective
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, as these additional tasks are
also
Linking Words
 an important part of
children
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children's
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life
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. To commence with, it is essential for
student
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a student
the student
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 to focus on the fundamental subject as these will enhance their chances to be successful in their
life
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.
Although
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,
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apply
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 not only science and maths always
helps
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help
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 to make an individual succeed,
sports
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 have good scope.
For instance
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, Indian
cricketer
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cricketers
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 Virat Kohli and MS Dhoni have a developed career only by
practicing
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practising
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 in
Use synonyms
sports
Add an article
a sports
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game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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.
Moreover
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,
additional
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an additional
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task
Fix the agreement mistake
tasks
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such
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 as
music
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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also
Linking Words
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 in school
life
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, because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
acts
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act
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 like a stress-buster in between the regular periods of other courses. A leisure break from cramming is
also
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 important to make a child more concentrated on school work. On
other
Correct article usage
the other
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 hand, sometimes juveniles
starts
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start
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 spending more time in other games which are neither helpful to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
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 good health nor
it builds
Wrong verb form
building
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 a bright future. As it is very essential for everyone to be independent and financially strong with a modern lifestyle, it is required to work on your aim
also
Linking Words
. If any additional habit
such
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 as playing video games is disturbing a student by compromising with his/her good marks,
then
Linking Words
 it is unimportant to go for
such
Linking Words
 entertainment. To recapitulate, I can say that
sports
Use synonyms
 and musical activities
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
 to keep
younsters
Correct your spelling
youngsters
 relaxed, maintain sharp remembering capacity and
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
 body.
Therefore
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, it is inevitable to
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in
such
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 courses to make youngsters enjoy their
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
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life
Use synonyms
,
in addition
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 to working on their goals.
Furthermore
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,
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 proper training and practice, anyone can
also
Linking Words
 look
Use synonyms
sports
Change preposition
at sports
show examples
 and
music
Use synonyms
 as a career opportunity.

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task achievement
Make sure to directly address the essay question in both your introduction and conclusion to strengthen task achievement. Clearly stating your position helps to make your argument more persuasive.
task achievement
Try to develop your main ideas further by providing more detailed examples and explanations. This will help to make your essay more convincing and improve task achievement.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs, which will enhance coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main idea, supported by clear examples or reasons, to improve the logical structure and clarity of your essay.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples, such as mentioning Indian cricketers Virat Kohli and MS Dhoni, which add value to your argument and engage the reader.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced discussion on the importance of both academic and extracurricular activities in education, reflecting a well-considered perspective.
coherence cohesion
The overall structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This logical structure helps to make your argument more coherent.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • beneficial
  • career-oriented
  • subjects
  • creativity
  • teamwork
  • emotional well-being
  • cognitive abilities
  • discipline
  • practical skills
  • overall development
  • expose
  • informed choices
  • passionate career
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