IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar , which causes many health problems.Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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Some manufactured foods and drinks contain high levels of
sugar
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, which can influence
people
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 and lead to several
health
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 problems.Some
people
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 argue that the cost of sugary should be increased in order to lead
people
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 to consume less
sugar
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 routine.I completely disagree because
that is
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 not the best solution to decrease the
consumer
Replace the word
consumption
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 of
sugar
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.I will discuss in
this
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 essay some answers to
this
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 topic. On the one hand , indeed at the moment some foods and drinks produce
with
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apply
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high levels of
sugar
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 for
people
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 and have a lot of requirements
of
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for
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this
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.In that case , we must reveal and educate the consequences of
health
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 problems
instead
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 of
increase
Wrong verb form
increasing
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 the cost.
Accordingly
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,they will realize their body's organs may stuck
into
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in
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 some expensive curing.
For instance
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,
this
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 type of work can
be carry
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be carried
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 out by advertising on TV channels and putting up posters on the street walls.
Additionally
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, doctors play a significant role in
this
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 matter as they need to explain to
people
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 by saying, 'It is harmful to consume excessive sugary food beyond normal limits.''
On the other hand
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 , from my perspective additional way
prevent
Fix the infinitive
to prevent
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people
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 from eating too many products which is including
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sugary elements ,
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During
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while
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 the production process
we
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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must label the " it is not for diabetes sugary
people
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" words ,
with
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apply
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this
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 way , we may able to earn to reduce the
health
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 issues of
people
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 or consumers figure.
In contrast
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 to
this
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 , after producing
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 types of food and drink all store's customers service need to advise alternative products
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for
Add the comma(s)
, for
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 example, fresh water , unsweetened beverages and naturally useful fruits.
To conclude
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, many
people
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 believe putting expensive
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
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 on sugary products will prevent consuming too much and help to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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health
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 issues.
However
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,
that is
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 not the best way because wealthy
people
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 certainly can afford to buy it.
Submitted by dilmurodmingishov on

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Language Use
Try to use a wider range of vocabulary and ensure your sentences are accurately constructed to express your ideas more clearly.
Cohesion
Work on developing your paragraphs with clear topic sentences followed by explanations, examples, and a concluding sentence to improve cohesion.
Position
Ensure a clear stance throughout your essay. Though you disagree with making sugary products more expensive, reinforcing your position with more depth and varied arguments would strengthen your essay.
Support
Include more specific examples or data to support your arguments. Real-life scenarios or hypothetical examples can make your points more convincing.
Opinion
You presented a clear opinion and maintained it throughout the essay, which is good for task response.
Structure
You managed to organize your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a positive aspect of your structure.
Creativity
Some of your suggestions for alternative methods to reduce sugar consumption show creative thinking. Mentioning TV advertising, wall posters, and labeling shows effort in problem-solving.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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