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Band 5.5

New technologies have changed the way children spend their free time. Do you think the advantages of this trend outweigh the disadvantages?

#technologies #children #time #trend
In our contemporary era,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
extremelly
Correct your spelling
extremely
 advanced, so
this
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
 significantly changed the way
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
spair
Correct your spelling
spend
time
.
This
 essay will discuss about advantages and disadvantages of
this
 trend. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
 there are more benefits than drawbacks to
this
 development. The most advantageous factor of modern technologies is their ability to promote learning and skills development for
children
. The particular reason for
circumstance
Correct determiner usage
this circumstance
show examples
 there are
Correct article usage
a
show examples
variety kinds of useful educational apps and games that can help
children
 learn mathematics and language skills as well.
Additionally
,
video
 games have the potential to teach
children
 problem-solving skills, critical thinking, and hand-eye coordination which is essential for their work and study.
Moreover
,
childrens
Correct your spelling
children
show examples
 can utilize some kind of apps
such
 as social media, messaging apps, and
video
 chat programs can enhance modes of communication allowing
children
 to stay connected with friends and family who live far away from them.
In other words
, those individuals have the ability to send messages
as well as
 have
video
 calls through the internet.
For example
,
according to
 the
guardin
Change the capitalization
Guardin
show examples
 article from 2024 year playing
video
 games
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is
benefisial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 if
children
 play not too much.
However
, a few parents believe that technologies could pose a risk to the physical and mental health of
children
 who get too much screen
time
.
This
 may be true, but by effective parental control, the amount of
time
 that
children
 spend on technology devices will be reduced. I should emphasize that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 spending too much
time
 on devices can cause sleep disorders, which is the consequence of stopping melatonin in our bodies
due to
 the blue light.
For instance
,
according to
 the guardin article compared to
last
 year 23 per cent of
children
 are suffering from eye pain.
Submitted by ieltsielts81 on

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Task Achievement
While your essay presents a clear viewpoint and covers advantages and disadvantages, ensure to have a balanced discussion for both sides to maintain a comprehensive debate.
Coherence & Cohesion
Pay attention to spelling and grammar to avoid small inaccuracies, such as 'the technology are extremelly advanced,' which should be 'technologies are extremely advanced' and 'their spair time' to 'their spare time.'
Coherence & Cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that transitions between ideas and paragraphs are smooth. Using connective phrases can help achieve a more fluid reading experience.
Task Achievement
Make sure examples are accurate and up-to-date. Citing an article 'from 2024' may confuse readers if the actual publication year differs or if the article cannot be easily verified.
Task Achievement
Your essay effectively uses examples to support your arguments, which strengthens your discussion.
Task Achievement
The conclusion summarizes your opinion well, reinforcing the stance you've taken throughout the essay.
Coherence & Cohesion
You demonstrated a good range of vocabulary related to the topic, which helps to clearly convey your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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