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Band 4

In many cities, crime is increasing. Why do you think this is happening? what can government do to help reduce crime levels?

#cities #crime #government #levels
It is true that
crime
 is increasing in many cities these days. In my opinion, there are three reasons why
crime
 is increasing
such
 as poverty and
unimployment
Correct your spelling
unemployment
, drug
addtion
Correct your spelling
addiction
addition
, and new technology developments.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
poverty and unemployment encourage
people
 to commit
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 to make
living
Correct article usage
a living
show examples
.
This
 has been
main
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the main
show examples
 reason for a long time in society. It is a basic concern for
people
 how to live, so
this
 can make
people
to
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apply
show examples
commit a
crime
for
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to
show examples
serviving
Correct your spelling
survive
.
Secondly
, drug addicts tend to engage in criminal activities. These days,
this
 is a serious social issue increasing drug
criminals
Replace the word
crimes
show examples
. Especially
this
 makes
people
to
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apply
show examples
distribute drugs
in
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to
show examples
social
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society
show examples
 so even
youth
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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participate in
this
 kind of
crime
.
Lastly
, the advantage of new technology results in new types of
crime
.
According to
a
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apply
show examples
research in Korea, new types of
crime
such
 as voice pishing and even
oneline
Correct your spelling
online
 pishing
has
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have
show examples
 increased sharply and there are so many victims everywhere. To prevent crimes,
government
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the government
show examples
 should use a strong punishment and sometimes
death
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the death
show examples
panelty
Correct your spelling
penalty
 is essential.
This
 can reduce the possibility of criminal reoffending and eliminate the possibility
ofo
Correct your spelling
of
 future victims.
For instance
,
Singapore
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in Singapore
show examples
, which has capital
punishiments
Correct your spelling
punishment
punishments
, the
crime
 rate is relatively lower than any other
countries
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country
show examples
. In conclusion,
government
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the government
show examples
 should carry out
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
show examples
capital punishment to prevent heinous crimes to protect citizens from offenders.
Submitted by hmhy0326 on

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Task Achievement
Ensure all main ideas are fully developed with explanations and examples. Some points, such as the impact of technology on crime, could be expanded.
Coherence & Cohesion
Include a wider range of cohesive devices and transition phrases to enhance the flow between ideas.
Task Achievement
Review and adhere to different perspectives on controversial topics, like capital punishment, ensuring a balanced view is presented.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
Task Achievement
Good job identifying key reasons for the increase in crime, making your essay relevant and informative.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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