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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Today, more children are spending their time in font of TV compared to the past. Why do you think this happens? is this a positive or negative change?

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Nowadays, more and more parents are allowing their
children
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 to spend too much
time
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 in front of Television. I see
this
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as a result
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 of adults' lack of awareness of the negative impact of too much screen
time
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 on young
kids
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 including their health and social development.
Therefore
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, the increasing number of underage people watching
TV
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 has been down-grade progress in our society. Ideally, parents, teachers, and other responsible adults should know the importance of suitable stimulus for
kids
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. Unfortunately, many fail to understand that there are some media -in
this
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 case television- that bring more harm than benefits to
kids
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 especially if it is being given too much. Even worse if no adult is around to guide them
while
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 watching. We never know if the show presented is appropriate to their age. As a matter of fact, numerous studies have found that the habit of regularly watching
TV
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 for
children
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 aged under 13 has caused health problems
such
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 as low vision and a sedentary lifestyle.
Furthermore
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,
this
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 harmful behaviour has
also
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 influenced how
kids
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 interact with their friends. It is known that
kids
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 who watch
TV
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 more than the maximum screen
time
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 recommended by experts are facing social problems
such
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 as insecurity and trouble approaching their friends.
To conclude
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, the uprising case of little
kids
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 spending unlimited
time
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 in front of the
TV
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 is caused by parents' little knowledge of the importance of
children
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's screen-
time
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 limitation. Personally, I strongly believe that
this
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 behavioural change in
kids
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 brings more harm than good.
For instance
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, it has caused
children
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's health and social problems.
Therefore
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, adults should be more thoughtful of their
kids
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' watch
time
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 and find alternative media that are more beneficial to young
kids
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 e.g. drawing books, encyclopedias, interactive board games, etc.

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task achievement
To enhance the task response, consider exploring the reasons why parents allow children to spend more time in front of the TV in more depth. Also, try to incorporate more specific examples or case studies that illustrate your points.
coherence cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, it helps to use a wider variety of linking words and phrases to ensure fluid transitions between ideas. Additionally, ensure each paragraph clearly flows into the next.
introduction conclusion present
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion that succinctly summarize the main points.
supported main points
The essay effectively supports main points with relevant explanations and facts.
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