IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Over the past decade, there has been an alarming rise of nearly 20% in the proportion of obese children in Western societies. Analyze the factors that contribute to this concerning pattern.

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In Western societies, there has been a concerning 20% increase in the prevalence of
childhood
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obesity
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 over the past decade.
This
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 essay will explore two primary causes of
this
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 trend and discuss its significant impacts on
health
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 and economic conditions. Di awal udah “janji” dulum esai ini mau bahas apa aja. Baru elaborate di 2 paragraf setelahnya.
Firstly
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, the surge in
childhood
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obesity
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 can be attributed to the modern hustle culture that prioritizes convenience over nutrition. In a fast-paced world, parents often opt for quick meal solutions, resorting to processed foods that are high in saturated fats and low in nutritional value. Common examples include frozen pizzas, chicken nuggets, and French fries.
Secondly
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, the rise in
obesity
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 is significantly influenced by increased sugar consumption among children. The digital age has facilitated easier access to sugary snacks.
For instance
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, my 6-year-old niece, adept with digital technology, regularly purchases candies online, highlighting the ease with which unhealthy foods can be accessed in today's digital era. The ramifications of
childhood
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obesity
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 are profound, affecting both personal
health
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 and family economics. Excessive weight can severely hinder a child's developmental phase, which is crucial during the early years of life. Economically,
obesity
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 escalates healthcare costs
due to
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 increased medical needs.
This
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 issue is particularly acute in underprivileged areas, where families may lack the financial resources for adequate healthcare. In rural settings, where medical facilities are often scarce, the consequences can be dire, leading to prolonged illnesses and reduced productivity for entire families. In conclusion, the rising trend of
childhood
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obesity
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 in Western societies is chiefly caused by poor dietary choices driven by modern lifestyle demands. The effects of
this
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 epidemic extend beyond individual
health
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, impacting economic stability within affected families. It is imperative that both parents and policymakers address these issues promptly to mitigate the long-term consequences of
this
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 public
health
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 crisis.

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Task Achievement
Ensure all paragraphs are well developed with specific examples to support your arguments. In some areas, further elaboration could strengthen your position.
Coherence & Cohesion
To enhance logical flow, consider using a wider variety of linking words and transitions between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
In discussing solutions or addressing the issues, consider expanding your essay to include potential interventions or strategies that could reverse or mitigate the trend in childhood obesity.
Coherence & Cohesion
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion that effectively outlined and summarized the essay's main points.
Task Achievement
Your use of a personal anecdote about your niece cleverly illustrates the ease of accessing unhealthy foods, making your argument more relatable.
Task Achievement
You effectively identified and explained two primary causes of the rise in childhood obesity, which directly responds to the essay prompt.

Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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