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Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

These days many young people are spending less time doing outdoor activities such as hiking, mountain climbing, and enjoying nature. What are the reasons for this? How can we encourage them to do more of these activities?

#people #time #activities #mountain #nature
In the contemporary era, a significant portion of young people tend to spend less time doing exercise or being in nature.
This
 phenomenon is rooted in a plethora of factors and devising a solution necessitates an endeavour including government and stakeholders.
This
 essay will elaborate on some
reasons
 and possible solutions to tackle
this
 problem. On the one hand, there are some
reasons
 why youth refuse to enjoy outdoor activities like jogging or going to picnics.
In other words
,
firstly
, one of the main
reasons
 is advances in technology.
For example
, numerous studies have consistently found that the majority of teenagers spend 5 hours surfing the internet per day and chatting online with each other rather than meeting themselves in person.
In addition
 to the above reason, many young people have to work long hours daily to cover their life expenses like rent, clothes and food so they leave with a tiny hours to spend in nature or go gym.
On the other hand
, there are a great amount of brief and simple solutions to tackle
this
 problem. Express in different ways, the government with raise the level of awareness of outdoor activities among the young community not only can they encourage youth to participate in outdoor activities, but they
also
 help to enhance the happiness and healthy lifestyle in the community.
However
, it should not be forgotten that if the government provides a free ticket for youngsters they would be able to participate in sports centres.
To conclude
,
this
 phenomenon has many
reasons
 like the expensive sports centre tickets or social media but simple solutions
such
 as raising awareness of youth and providing affordable or free tickets for clubs can easily tackle
this
 problem.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples and evidence to support your arguments, which could make your essay even stronger.
coherence cohesion
Keep working on linking your ideas more smoothly and clearly, ensuring a seamless flow from one paragraph to the next.
coherence cohesion
Consider revisiting paragraph structure to ensure each one starts with a clear topic sentence that introduces the main idea, followed by supporting sentences and a conclusion or transition where appropriate.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion were clear and effectively framed your essay's argument.
task achievement
You addressed the task thoroughly, providing a balanced discussion of causes and solutions.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay was logical and easy to follow, which helped to present your arguments coherently.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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