IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The number of obese children is increasong. Some think that shcools should make sports compulsory. Do you agree or disagree?

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It can be noted that the rate of
children
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 who are obese has increased over the years, and
therefore
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, some are of the opinion that
schools
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 should make
sports
Use synonyms
 compulsory. In my opinion, I agree with
such
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 a view because it can help
children
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 change their lifestyle greatly.
Firstly
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, when
schools
Use synonyms
 make
sports
Use synonyms
 compulsory, all the students will start having an active lifestyle. It can be noted that some students lack physical activity because they enjoy staying indoors, especially after
school
Use synonyms
 hours.
Moreover
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, some of them are addicted to technological devices.
Due to
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this
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 fact, they cannot burn their calories, and in the long run, they start gaining a lot of weight.
However
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, when
schools
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 make
sports
Use synonyms
 compulsory, they do not have a choice about whether they like them or not.
This
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 will help them stay fit even if they are not interested in doing exercise after
school
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 hours.
Secondly
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, some
children
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 do not have responsible parents.
In other words
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, they do not pay attention to their diet, and they let their
children
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 consume whatever they want.
For example
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, in America, the number of obese
children
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 keeps on increasing every year, mainly because of the consumption of fast food and processed food at home. In
this
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 case, if
schools
Use synonyms
 make
sports
Use synonyms
 compulsory,
this
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 situation can be overcome because they can burn calories and maintain their shape.
In addition
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, when students are actively involved in
sports
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 at
school
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, they will be interested in taking care of their health, and
this
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,
as a result
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, can undoubtedly give them awareness of the importance of a healthy diet and maintaining their weight.
To sum up
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, I once again reaffirm my position that, in order to help
children
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 stay fit and healthy,
sports
Use synonyms
 should be made compulsory in every
school
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. If all
schools
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 implemented
this
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 practice, the issue of obesity among
children
Use synonyms
 would drop significantly.

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Example
Make sure to provide more varied examples to enrich your arguments even further. Including statistics, real-life examples, or citing studies could strengthen your position on compulsory sports in schools.
Coherence
Use transitional phrases to improve the flow between paragraphs and within them, ensuring a smoother reading experience.
Balance
Consider exploring the counterargument to provide a more balanced view. Acknowledging the opposing viewpoint and then refuting it can make your argument more persuasive.
Task Response
Your essay effectively addresses the topic, clearly stating your position and supporting it with logical reasons.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. This organization significantly aids in the coherence and cohesion of your text.
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