IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

People think that success in sports mainly depends on physical abilities while others think that there are other important factors. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #success #sports #abilities #factors
Today, some people believe that physical condition is the main reason for success among athletes because a strong
body
 will outperform opponents in physical exercises, meanwhile, I think that regardless of the
body
, mental condition is much more essential. On the one hand, In sports, physical abilities are very important to reach the top of the career as a sportsman.
It
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
 is because the major requirement for athletes is the strength and endurance of their bodies.
Therefore
, the bodies of sportsmen are very muscular, they train them in very hard conditions, and many people believe
that is
 the main cause of their success.
For example
, boxing is a discipline, where a muscular
body
 is very important, and every professional boxer has a very strong
body
. Mike Tyson, Muhammed Ali and others could not
reach
Verb problem
have
show examples
 the success without it.
On the other hand
, the power of will and spirit is a key factor to be the best in the sport.
Body
 is just a container of our soul, and our avatar in the material world. Many sportsmen realized it and understood that the pain of their bodies
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 nothing.
For instance
, Vinny Pazienca was a very famous boxer in the past, because after one of his fights, he had an accident. The consequence of it was so dangerous that he couple of months in the hospital, and doctors told him that he would never be able to do boxing,
However
, he continued training and after a couple of weeks all of his injuries healed, and he became a champion a few times. It illustrates that the power of will
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 can incarnate a miracle.
To conclude
, it is true that physical abilities are very important to become famous and successful, but the
body
 is just like a car, It does not matter how much cost
this
 car, much more necessary whether the driver controls it.
Submitted by vasilevici487 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
While your essay structure is good, try to enhance coherence by using a wider range of linking words and phrases to connect ideas more smoothly.
Language Accuracy
Ensure to proofread your essay to correct minor grammatical errors and typos for clearer communication.
Task Response
Consider adding more diverse and specific examples to strengthen your arguments and make your stance clearer.
Structure
You effectively introduced and concluded your essay, clearly presenting the discussion topic and your opinion.
Content
Your argument is well-balanced, discussing both views on the importance of physical strength and mental determination in sports success.
Examples
Good job providing examples to support your points, enhancing the reader's understanding of your arguments.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: