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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.

The bar chart below shows the percentage of Australian men and women in different age groups who did regular physical activity in 2010.
#bar #percentage #australian #men #women #age #groups #activity
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The bar chart provides information about the proportion of Australians who regularly
engage
Wrong verb form
engaged
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 in exercise across different
age
Use synonyms
 groups and genders in 2010. "
It is clear that
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 aged 15-24 engaged in the most physical activity,
while
Linking Words
women
Use synonyms
 aged 45-54 were the most active among all
age
Use synonyms
 groups.
Additionally
Linking Words
, the lowest participation was observed in
women
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 over 60 and
men
Use synonyms
 aged 35-44." Looking at the information in more detail for
women
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, those aged 45-54 constituted 53.3% and were the most active among all
age
Use synonyms
 distributions.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the chart shows that
men
Use synonyms
 aged 15-24 had the highest participation rate at 52.8%. In terms of the elderly,
men
Use synonyms
 and
women
Use synonyms
 exhibited similar proportions; the former constituted 46.7%
while
Linking Words
 the latter accounted for 47.1%. It can be seen that
men
Use synonyms
 in the 25-44
age
Use synonyms
 group had the lowest participation rate at 39.5%, which is 12% lower than that of
women
Use synonyms
 in the same
age
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 group.
Submitted by zora840810 on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age, men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "information" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Regular exercise
  • Age demographics
  • Participation rate
  • Trend analysis
  • Gender disparity
  • Health initiatives
  • Public health policies
  • Statistical comparison
  • Lifestyle choices
  • Work commitments
  • Age-related factors
  • Preventative health
  • Exercise habits
  • Surveillance data
  • Motivators and barriers
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