IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Many young people do not spend their holidays and weekends doing outdoor activities like hiking and climbing in natural environments. Why is this the case? How can they be encouraged to go out?

#people #holidays #weekends #activities #environments #case
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays,
people
 are interested in technical devices and artificial things
instead
 of traditional
activities
.Myriad
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
youngsters
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not interested in celebrating holidays and outdoor
activities
 in
habitat
Correct pronoun usage
their habitat
show examples
.
This
 essay will
be explained
Wrong verb form
explain
show examples
 the reason and will
be given
Wrong verb form
give
show examples
 the possible solution to
this
. On the one hand, despite the benefits of technology, young
people
 spend hours on different kinds of games and social media through modern gadgets. Parents may not know enough about what their children are busy with every day and after that, they have a disorderly life schedule to waste hours on those unnecessary
activities
.
Furthermore
, the other main reason for
this
 trend is that teachers may not organize, with the cooperation of parents variety of kinds of events like picnics and going to natural places at weekends.
In other words
,
youngsters
 are not encouraged by teachers and relatives on a daily basis if they are stressed or addicted to the virtual world.
On the other hand
, there are a lot of actions that
youngsters
 and their family members and teachers should do. If young
people
 are not curious about celebrating holidays and hanging out hiking and going to the mountains, their relatives arrange holidays and interesting
activities
 and young
people
 are interested in the actions that happen during these events.
Moreover
,
youngsters
 who spend hours on unuseful things or tasks should be taught as often as possible how to make life more efficient than before. In conclusion, the main concepts of why
this
 problem happens and a possible solution for it are given.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve task achievement, ensure that your essay fully addresses both parts of the question. Provide more detailed examples and explanations to support your points.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on structuring your essay more logically. This includes clearer paragraphing and smoother transitions between ideas.
language use
Use a variety of sentence structures and vocabulary to express your ideas more effectively. This variety can make your essay more engaging and demonstrate a higher level of English proficiency.
structure
You provided a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure your essay and summarize your main points effectively.
content understanding
You have successfully identified the main reasons behind the lack of interest in outdoor activities among young people, which shows good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • digital entertainment
  • urbanization
  • peer influence
  • natural environments
  • engage in outdoor activities
  • lack of awareness
  • safety concerns
  • convenient
  • remote areas
  • benefits
  • unfamiliar areas
What to do next:
Look at other essays: