It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

History
is an essential subject in every school curriculum and there has been
an
Change the article
a
show examples
controversial debate about the importance of teaching local
history
instead
of world
history
to schoolchildren. From my perspective, I strongly agree that local
history
should be put much more emphasis on.
Firstly
, studying local
history
can strengthen the bond between
students
and their
hometown
Fix the agreement mistake
hometowns
show examples
. It is undeniable that those
students
who had a deep insight into their locality’s
history
develops
Wrong verb form
developed
show examples
a sense of patriotism.
For instance
, Vietnamese teachers
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
taught their
students
about how their
ancestor
Fix the agreement mistake
ancestors
show examples
fought against the invaders and reclaimed their independence.
Thus
, schoolchildren would take pride
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
origin and appreciate the life that they have today.
Moreover
, local
history
has played an important role in educating pupils about their hometown’s traditional values and identity.
Additionally
, local
history
provides lots of information for schoolchildren about
ttheir
Correct your spelling
their
country in the past so they can broaden their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
. Acquiring knowledge about the country’s past events equips
students
Change preposition
with historic
show examples
historic
Correct word choice
historical
show examples
lessons to tackle their normal life
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
or in many fields
such
as politics, business,… in the future.
For example
, those who
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
have learned about the Ho dynasty in Vietnam can understand the power of the
mass
Fix the agreement mistake
masses
show examples
in financial
developing
Replace the word
development
show examples
. Learning local
history
also
offer
Correct subject-verb agreement
offers
show examples
students
a well-rounded perspective of life and
numerous
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
knowledge about the homeland. If you want to become a local historian, learning domestic
history
is the primary thing that
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
back lots of merits. In
briefly
Change the word
brief
show examples
, the significance of domestic
history
should be
put
Verb problem
given
show examples
much attention
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
because
students
should thoroughly
understood
Change the verb form
understand
show examples
their local historical
background’s
Unnecessary verb
background
show examples
before
Correct your spelling
learning
learing
Correct your spelling
learning
international
history
Submitted by dohuyhoang on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, accurately framing your argument which is a strong point. To enhance your task response, you could further balance your discussion by exploring a wider range of perspectives on the importance of local vs. world history. This would add depth to your argument and demonstrate a more comprehensive understanding of the topic.
Coherence & Cohesion
You've organized your essay well with a logical structure, including a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. To improve coherence, consider using a wider range of linking words and phrases to more fluidly connect your ideas and paragraphs. This will enhance the flow and readability of your essay.
Task Achievement
You have used relevant examples to support your main points, which strengthens your argument. To further enhance your essay, aim to incorporate specific, detailed examples that directly relate to the arguments you are making. Doing so will make your points more convincing and your essay more engaging.
Coherence & Cohesion
Effective use of introduction and conclusion to frame your argument.
Task Achievement
Good use of relevant examples to support your main points.
Coherence & Cohesion
Logical structure and coherent argument throughout the essay.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • heritage
  • cultural identity
  • ancestry
  • traditions
  • globalization
  • empathy
  • contemporary issues
  • integrate
  • perspective
  • civilization
  • diversity
  • innovations
  • historical significance
  • nationalism
  • cosmopolitanism
  • historiography
  • geopolitical
What to do next:
Look at other essays: