IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is important for people to take risks, both in their professional lives and their personal lives. Do you think the advantages of taking risks outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is believed that individuals are encouraged to take every
opportunities
Change to a singular noun
opportunity
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 in their lives, whether in the professional or personal field. I assume that there are more pros than
the
Correct article usage
apply
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drawbacks
of
Change preposition
to
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 taking
risks
Use synonyms
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 because they bring some chances for improvements
than
Rephrase
rather than
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 sticking
for
Change preposition
to
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 the comfort zone, without any enhancements. First of all, it is understandable that many people choose to do their obvious and common activities,
in contrast
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, to practise some new things that might be unfamiliar and uncomfortable to them. The reason for
this
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 is that the feeling of disappointment and failure is what scared them most.
For instance
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, it is not uncommon for employees over 40 to get stuck to their current job,
although
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 they got paid under average salary and do not have a title for their position. Supposedly they needed to resign themselves and find a better opportunity outside,
instead
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, they chose to stay since they thought that there would be no company that would accept the old and
then
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 become unemployed.
On the other hand
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, there are a lot of benefits of trying to be on
the
Correct article usage
apply
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different sides. People are full of curiosity, by pushing themselves into a new place, some fresh experiences will be gained
as well as
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 the fulfilment of the curiosity. Alternatively, the
risks
Use synonyms
not
Change the verb form
do not
did not
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 always bring the positive thing,
however
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, thanks to the troubles of
risks
Use synonyms
 people can learn the main morale of
them
Correct your spelling
the
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risks
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, the journey of a successful popstar Iggy Azalea started when she was moving alone to New York without any figures. She was very scared of any worst possibilities that could happen
,
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apply
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 because she faced difficulties
from
Change preposition
with
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 every
moves
Change to a singular noun
move
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, but
overall
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 she managed to survive and gained fame by joining a record label in New York.
To sum up
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, losing some to gain is a suitable phrase for
this
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 argument since there is nothing to be worried about to accept every chance.
As a result
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, a reward
such
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 as an admirable future could easily be led to.

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Task Achievement
It's great that you've clearly expressed your viewpoint and provided examples to support your ideas. However, try to develop your arguments more fully with a deeper analysis of the examples and how they support your thesis. This will make your essay more compelling and persuasive.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay has a good structure, but there's room for improvement in making your writing more cohesive. Consider using a wider variety of linking words and phrases to better connect your ideas and paragraphs. This will help your essay to flow more smoothly and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
General
Be mindful of grammatical accuracy and work on varying your sentence structures. This will enhance the readability of your essay and give your arguments more impact.
Structure
Your introduction and conclusion are clearly marked and present a strong thesis statement and summary of your arguments, respectively.
Examples
You effectively use examples, such as the story of Iggy Azalea, to bring your arguments to life. This makes your essay more engaging and illustrative of your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Opportunities
  • Growth
  • Innovation
  • Challenges
  • Self-discovery
  • Resilience
  • Uncertainty
  • Consequences
  • Calculated risks
  • Stagnation
  • Regret
  • Comfort zone
  • Entrepreneurship
  • Adventurous spirit
  • Thriving
  • Failure
  • Mitigate
  • Reap the rewards
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