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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Why do students prefer doing part time jobs during their studies? Do you think this has more advantage or disadvantage.

#students #part #time #jobs #studies #advantage
Some individuals enjoy doing
a
Correct article usage
apply
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part-time
work
while
 studying. There are a myriad of purposes
to take
Change preposition
for taking
show examples
 a casual
job
 as a
side-hustle
Correct your spelling
side hustle
show examples
 and rewards an individual with its advantages. A few disadvantages might be there but cannot undermine the
overall
 positive impact of
this
 trend. Primarily, there are a plethora of objectives behind working during school life.
To mention some
Verb problem
Some
show examples
 notable reasons are to gain valuable experience, to network with employers and
also
 to become self-reliant to pay school fees. To elaborate
further
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
part-time
work
 is important to gain
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
experience which is helpful for an individual to create relationships with the employer which will
further
 help him to get permanent employment once he
complete
Change the verb form
completes
show examples
 his program.
For instance
, a real estate student who studies for his certification may start a
low skill
Add a hyphen
low-skill
show examples
job
 with any organization related to his profession
while
 doing that he could establish his character within the firm and after he is done with his education he could negotiate a new salary with his upgraded skills.
Hence
, it is evident by making
relationship
Add an article
a relationship
the relationship
show examples
 with an employer an individual can get a permanent
job
.
On the contrary
, the temporary hustle could affect one's
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 and could result
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
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poor academic
performace
Correct your spelling
performance
.
The
Correct article usage
Work
show examples
work
 life has many significant pressures and expectations from employers.
On the other hand
, the individual could
also
 face overloads of assignments and projects from school.
In
Change the preposition
At
show examples
this
 moment,
this
 person may find himself distracted from his education. Ultimately, it leads to detrimental academic results.
To conclude
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
temporary workers are fortunate enough to gain
work
 experience in the
work place
Correct your spelling
workplace
show examples
 and
also
 can ensure their future permanent
job
 through that employer. But, some distractions could hinder the path of the individual but
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 can be overcome with time management.
Therefore
, a temporary
job
 has significant advantages.
Submitted by Kiran on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-structured, presenting a clear introduction, developed body paragraphs, and a conclusive ending. To enhance your score further, consider diversifying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words to smoothly connect your ideas.
Task Response
Your response effectively addresses the prompt, offering a balanced view on the topic with both advantages and disadvantages discussed. To elevate your response, include more specific examples or data to support your arguments, making your essay more persuasive.
Content
You did an excellent job of outlining the benefits and potential drawbacks of part-time work alongside studies, presenting a balanced argument.
Structure
The logical flow between your paragraphs is commendable, making your essay easy to follow and understand.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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