IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In many countries, the population of old people is increasing. Are there more advantages and disadvantages?

#countries #population #people
Developed countries tend to have increased
population
 growth of old people. In numerous nations, the total number of elders is growing. Even though, old people have the benefits of increasing the national workforce ;
However
Fix capitalization
however
show examples
, they are outweighed by the drawbacks of rising
pressure
 on the pension and retirement system and
pressure
 on the healthcare system Some of the old
population
 is still active and reentering the labour market, and they possess knowledge and experience. As
this
 active old
population
 continues to work, it increases national productivity levels and expands the country's tax base.
For example
, every month, the elderly contribute a significant amount of money to the government in the form of taxes
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
However
, these merits are totally overridden by the demerits. The
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
show examples
population
 can put
lot
Change the article
a lot
show examples
 of
pressure
 on the healthcare sector and the pension and retirement system. The health of the aging decreases as they continue to grow older and
as a result
, they require ongoing medical attention.
Therefore
, the government has to allocate more funds to cater for their medical requirements.
In addition
, the pension and retirement services will have to contribute a lot of revenue in old aged pensions for the old people. In conclusion, the number of seniors is rising in many countries and
their
Change the word
the
show examples
 advantages of increasing national productivity levels are totally overshadowed by the cons of increased
pressure
 on public services.
Submitted by dubeallen10 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Ensure a balanced discussion of both sides of the argument to fully meet the task requirement.
task response
Consider expanding your discussion with more specific examples to underpin your arguments, enhancing clarity and persuasiveness.
coherence and cohesion
Aim to link your ideas more clearly using a wider range of cohesive devices to enhance readability and flow.
structure
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, clearly stating your stance.
argumentation
The main points are logically arranged and pertinent to the topic, making your argument coherent.
examples
Providing examples, even if general, helps to concretize your arguments and supports the task achievement.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: