IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In certain nations, parents have high academic expectations for their children, resulting in limited leisure time. What could be the potential benefits and drawbacks of this for children and the society that are part of?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Parents encourage their children to focus more on their curriculum and they reduce their free time to join any other activities.
This
Linking Words
 trend has some upsides and downsides which will be examined
further
Linking Words
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay. Primarily, the reason why parents feel the need to reduce the leisure period for their wards is
due to
Linking Words
negligence
Correct article usage
the negligence
show examples
 their
kids
Use synonyms
 show towards study because of some distractions of
Smartphone
Fix the agreement mistake
Smartphones
show examples
 or Television. If parents have to ensure that their kid performs well in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academics
then
Linking Words
 they only allow them
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
fewer breaks. The benefit of
this
Linking Words
 approach is that
kids
Use synonyms
 become more competitive and serious
for
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their studies.
Subsequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 process generates more highly trained professionals for a country.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 there are competitive examinations held to provide entrance admissions only to some qualifying candidates. If someone performs well in the exams
then
Linking Words
 he could take part in high-class educational
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 done by the Institutions.
As a result
Linking Words
, an individual can become
highly
Correct article usage
a highly
show examples
 trained professional.
On the contrary
Linking Words
, if
kids
Use synonyms
 are not provided some leisure time they could turn into
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
boring monotonous creatures. The creative instinct might get diminished to a primitive level which is a special characteristic of a human mind. The world needs more innovative individuals who could help transformation in their surroundings. To exemplify, Albert Einstein, a great scientist had no ability to remember historical facts but was smart enough to contribute with his innovations to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Hence
Linking Words
, the world needs more inventions
not
Add the comma(s)
, not
show examples
 the test takers.
To conclude
Linking Words
, enforcing high standards on children for the academic results might ensure them a great job
however
Linking Words
 it cannot be counted as an extraordinary contribution. A person needs to invent something which is not possible with just academic performance. So, some time should be allotted for
kids
Use synonyms
 to develop their creativity.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

What works well

3
balanced argument

You provided a balanced view by discussing both benefits and drawbacks, which fulfills the task requirements efficiently.

use of examples

The examples used, like the competitive examinations in India, are relevant and strengthen your arguments.

introduction conclusion presence

The introduction and conclusion are present and do a good job at bookending the discussion, giving your essay a good structure.

Improvement Suggestions

3
task response

Your essay effectively addresses the task with a clear presentation of ideas and benefits/drawbacks. To enhance task achievement, ensure every main point is explored in depth with a range of supporting details and examples.

sentence structure

You've structured your essay well, which aids in the overall coherence and cohesion. For improvement, work on varying your sentence structures and using a wider range of linking words to enhance the flow between ideas.

conclusion

Consider expanding your conclusion to not only summarize the main points but also to offer a more pronounced personal insight or a broader implication of the argument you've laid out.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Academic expectations, leisure time, intelligence, educational attainment, prestigious careers, time management, discipline, stress, burnout, interpersonal skills, creativity, playtime, well-educated workforce, technological advancement, economic competitiveness, well-rounded individuals, mental health, competition, social inequality, non-academic talents, the arts.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: