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Writing Samples
Band 5

The chart below gives information about online shopping revenue in 2003 and 2004

The chart below gives information about online shopping revenue in 2003 and 2004
The pie charts illustrate the distribution of online shopping
revenue
Use synonyms
 across
four
Use synonyms
 retail
sectors
Use synonyms
 in New Zealand over the two selected years 2003 and 2014
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 online shopping in the
tourism
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
 made the largest contribution to retail in 2003,
while
Linking Words
 in 2013 it was surpassed by the film/
music
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
. In 2003, 36% of online retail
sales
Use synonyms
 Two pie charts illustrate the distribution of online shopping
revenue
Use synonyms
 across
four
Use synonyms
 retail
sectors
Use synonyms
 in New Zealand over the two selected years (2003 and 2013).
Overall
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 online shopping in the
tourism
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
 made the largest contribution to retail in 2003,
while
Linking Words
 in 2013 it was surpassed by the film/
music
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
. In 2003, 36% of online retail
sales
Use synonyms
 were in the
tourism
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
. It was followed by retail
sales
Use synonyms
 of clothing and films/
music
Use synonyms
, which accounted for 24% and 21%, respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
share
Use synonyms
 of
revenue
Use synonyms
 from the sale of books online was the smallest and amounted to only 19% of total
sales
Use synonyms
. As the pie charts show in 2013, movies and
music
Use synonyms
 became the largest source of online retail
sales
Use synonyms
 with a
share
Use synonyms
 of 33%. The
share
Use synonyms
 of
sales
Use synonyms
 in the
tourism
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
 decreased by 7%, amounting to 29% in 2013. Interestingly, in 2013, the clothing
sector
Use synonyms
 became the least purchased among these
four
Use synonyms
sectors
Use synonyms
 with an indicator of 16%. were in the
tourism
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
. It was followed by retail
sales
Use synonyms
 of clothing and films/
music
Use synonyms
, which accounted for 24% and 21%, respectively.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
share
Use synonyms
 of
revenue
Use synonyms
 from the sale of books online was the smallest and amounted to only 19% of total
sales
Use synonyms
. In 2013, movies and
music
Use synonyms
 became the largest source of online retail
sales
Use synonyms
 with a
share
Use synonyms
 of 33%. The
share
Use synonyms
 of
sales
Use synonyms
 in the
tourism
Use synonyms
sector
Use synonyms
 decreased by 7%, amounting to 29% in 2013. Interestingly, in 2013, the clothing
sector
Use synonyms
 became the least purchased among these
four
Use synonyms
sectors
Use synonyms
 with an indicator of 16%.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "in addition, it is clear that, overall, while".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words revenue, four, sectors, tourism, sector, music, sales, share with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "illustrate" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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