Individual greed and selfishness have been the basis of the modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Nowadays, Selfishness and greed have become the societal norm. Undeniably, modernization has tremendously affected
people
’s lifestyles in our contemporary
world
. A number of
people
believe that our traditional values
such
as respect for the family and the local community help us to build a better
world
.
However
, I firmly believe
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
statement. Today we live in an era of Technology in which the whole earth has shrunk and become a global village. Everybody is connected to everybody through telephone lines and the internet but the warmth of relationships has taken a back seat. Most
people
have more than enough wealth, comfort and freedom but their
hearts
Change to a genitive case
heart's
show examples
Desire even more.
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
people
think that older
people
are good for nothing and
that is
why they do not respect them.
Moreover
, Counting money
is
Verb problem
has
show examples
became
Wrong verb form
become
show examples
first
Add an article
the first
show examples
priority of most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
modern
people
than
Rephrase
rather than
show examples
spending time with their family.
For instance
, in many
family
Fix the agreement mistake
families
show examples
children
cannot
Verb problem
do not
show examples
able to meet their
father
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
week except on holiday. When
children
Correct article usage
the children
show examples
wake up
father
already
Add a missing verb
has already
show examples
leaved
Correct your spelling
left
show examples
for
job
Correct pronoun usage
his job
show examples
and when
father
Correct article usage
the father
show examples
returned
Wrong verb form
returns
show examples
home at night
children
already
go
Wrong verb form
gone
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
sleep.
This
should be
critical
Add an article
a critical
show examples
problem because it may
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
of
children
.
Father
returned home at night
children
already
go
Wrong verb form
gone
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
sleep.
This
should be
critical
Add an article
a critical
show examples
problem because it may
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
growth
Add an article
the growth
show examples
of
children
.
In contrast
, Life in the past was too simple.
People
respected each other and helped each other when needed.
People
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
time with their family every day by sitting together or by eating together. In the
past
Add a comma
past,
show examples
they were habituated
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
sitting with their community and
discussed
Wrong verb form
discussing
show examples
any problem if any. There were very less
divorce
Fix the agreement mistake
divorces
show examples
than now because they believed in each other and loved truly. If modern
people
respect each other, spend quality time with family and build
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
relation
Replace the word
relationships
show examples
with our local
people
then
the result will be on
positive
Add an article
the positive
show examples
side.
To conclude
, living in
this
modern toxic
world
, we are all slowly being poisoned to death.
Therefore
,
it is clear that
the traditional
value based
Add a hyphen
value-based
show examples
society is a better
world
to live
.
Change preposition
in.
show examples
Submitted by viewsoysoongnern on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Clarity & Impact
Be cautious with repetition of ideas or phrases, as it may detract from the clarity and impact of your argument.
Sentence Variety
Vary your sentence structures more to showcase a wider range of linguistic capabilities and ensure smoother transitions between ideas.
Argument Depth
Consider refining your argument by further elaborating on how traditional values directly contribute to solving the issues associated with modern selfishness and greed.
Grammar
Review your work for possible grammatical errors and correct them to improve the overall readability of your essay.
Introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the essay topic, engaging the reader's interest.
Position Clarity
You maintained a clear position throughout the essay, which helps in achieving task response criteria.
Relevance of Examples
Use of relevant examples to support your points, even if more specificity could strengthen your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • modern society
  • traditional values
  • familial bonds
  • community ties
  • collective well-being
  • individual gain
  • responsibility
  • care for others
  • neglect
  • isolation
  • honesty
  • respect
  • cooperation
  • individual greed
  • ethical conduct
  • social cohesion
  • crime rates
  • mental health
  • general happiness
What to do next:
Look at other essays: