IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe the purpose of education is to prepare individuals to be beneficial to society. Other say the purpose of education is to achieve personal ambitions. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Education is one of the fundamental factors when it comes to forming an individual’s personality. It is stated that it aims to succeed in a person's career, but other
people
Use synonyms
 think that the studying process limits
people
Use synonyms
 by making them comfortable with the crowd. I, personally, think,
study
Correct article usage
the study
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 system only provides
range
Add an article
a range
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 of
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
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 and answers
for
Change preposition
to
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 basic questions to educate human beings to understand essential processes. Nowadays
people
Use synonyms
 believe that study
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
 made by
governmental
Replace the word
government
show examples
 employees put
people
Use synonyms
 into thinking frames and
pulls
Correct subject-verb agreement
pull
show examples
 out creativity from the personality.
This
Linking Words
tethis
Correct your spelling
this
 is supported by the success of
people
Use synonyms
, who left their universities and schools.
For example
Linking Words
,
founder
Correct article usage
the founder
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 of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg, left Standford, and now he is one of
world's
Correct article usage
the world's
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 richest and
discussed
Correct quantifier usage
most discussed
show examples
people
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; Bob Marley hadn't even finished school but he
become
Wrong verb form
became
show examples
famous
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a famous
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 artist; and,
finally
Linking Words
, hundreds of football
player
Fix the agreement mistake
players
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 have never thought about getting bachelor degree, since they started their career at teenage period. These
all
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
incredible biographies are the reason for
mindset
Add an article
the mindset
a mindset
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 that studying is
absolutely
Add an article
an absolutely
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 unnecessary waste of time,
however
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 forget the fact, that it is a simple mistake
of survived
Change preposition
to survive
show examples
one
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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. I would like to mention millions of unemployed and homeless
people
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 don't have any study
degree's
Change noun form
degrees
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 and certificates,
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 fact
that is
Linking Words
 forgotten.
Although
Linking Words
 all educated ones are not billionaires, they have
home
Fix the agreement mistake
homes
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 and stable work and
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I believe that knowledge provided in schools is supposed to give basics to make
people
Use synonyms
 deliberate and society more developed.
To conclude
Linking Words
, despite that
people
Use synonyms
 can succeed without being limited by education,
people
Use synonyms
, who have at least essential knowledge, have more chances to achieve some basic targets and be successful.

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logical structure
Try to structure your essay more clearly with distinct paragraphs for each idea or view. This will improve the logical flow and make your argument easier to follow.
introduction conclusion present
Include a clear introduction stating both views and your opinion, and a conclusion summarizing your argument. This will strengthen the overall structure of your essay.
supported main points
Support your main points with more detailed examples or evidence. This will add depth to your argument and make it more persuasive.
complete response
Ensure you fully address the task by discussing both views equally before giving your own opinion. This will show a complete understanding of the topic.
clear comprehensive ideas
Develop your ideas fully to ensure they are comprehensive and clear. This can involve expanding on your examples and explaining their relevance to the topic.
relevant specific examples
Use a wider range of relevant examples to support your argument. This will demonstrate your understanding of the topic and engage the reader.
stance
You provided a clear stance on the topic, which is good for task response.
example usage
You made an effort to use examples, like Mark Zuckerberg, to support your argument. Including more specific details about these examples could enhance your essay further.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preparation
  • beneficial
  • society
  • skills
  • knowledge
  • civic responsibility
  • active participation
  • social initiatives
  • societal issues
  • solutions
  • specialized professions
  • personal growth
  • self-fulfillment
  • passions
  • interests
  • potential
  • talents
  • job prospects
  • financial stability
  • balance
  • meaningful
  • foundation
  • emphasis
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