Several people assert that the main cause of crime is an economically disadvantaged background. However, others say that crime is caused by a person's nature. Discuss both ideas and give your opinion.

Some argue that the most affected reason why
people
become criminals is
due to
their
poverty
at a young age,
while
others contend that
crime
happens just because of human’s inherent nature, regardless of wealth. In
this
essay, I will explore both perspectives but I believe that the former view is more persuasive. On the one hand, there are several reasons why some
people
believe human nature is the biggest
factors
Fix the agreement mistake
factor
show examples
when it comes to
crime
. First of all, personality is automatically decided as soon as they
born
Add a missing verb
are born
show examples
.
In other words
,
poverty
does not matter when the personality is formed.
For example
, there are a lot of murderers who are so-called “
psycopaths
Correct your spelling
psychopaths
psychopath
”. They usually just enjoyed murder and even felt pleasant, which showed that
poverty
has nothing to do with
crime
.
Moreover
, there are many successful
people
worldwide who overcome their poor backgrounds. Even though they were really poor, they went to great lengths to get over it to succeed.
Therefore
,
background
Add an article
the background
show examples
is just an excuse
Change preposition
for
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
explaining
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
reasons
Correct article usage
the reasons
show examples
Change preposition
for
show examples
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
crime
.
Nevertheless
, I think that
poverty
is the staple reason why
people
become criminals.
Firstly
,
poverty
prevents
people
from developing their moral values when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
at a young age. Compared to
children
who do not have to worry about their economic situation, poor
children
do not have any space solely to focus on their lives, leading to the deficient establishment of their values.
In addition
,
children
who are poor are more likely to face negative happenings because of their financial situation.
For instance
, many studies have already shown that when they researched the criminals’ backgrounds, many of them were poor when they were young. In conclusion, I firmly believe it is easy for
people
to become criminals when they
were
Wrong verb form
are
show examples
extremely poor when they were young.
Therefore
, governments and authorities worldwide should provide adequate welfare
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
to poor
children
and it will eventually contribute to the reduction of
crime
rates.
Submitted by dmdql2708 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Clarity of Argument
Ensure all your examples and explanations clearly support your argument without contradiction. It's essential that examples like 'psychopaths' are carefully connected to your main point without inadvertently supporting the counter-argument.
Linguistic Range
Consider diversifying your sentence structures and incorporating a range of connectives to enhance the flow and cohesion of your essay. While you've made a solid effort, expanding your use of linguistic resources can make your argument more dynamic.
Supporting Evidence
Elaborate more on how poverty specifically impacts an individual's propensity towards crime, with more detailed examples or studies that highlight this connection. This will strengthen your argument by providing concrete evidence.
Essay Structure
Your essay provides a balanced discussion of both viewpoints before stating your opinion, which is good practice in this type of essay. This structure helps maintain reader engagement and clarity of argument.
Conclusion
Your conclusion effectively summarizes your viewpoints and suggests a proactive measure (enhanced welfare), directly addressing the problem discussed. This demonstrates a comprehensive understanding of the issue and task at hand.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • economically disadvantaged
  • necessities
  • societal factors
  • external circumstances
  • criminal activities
  • intrinsic characteristics
  • personality traits
  • moral beliefs
  • psychological conditions
  • predisposed
  • personal choice
  • responsibility
  • profound impact
  • circumstances
  • attributes
  • behavior
What to do next:
Look at other essays: