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Band 6

Some believe that a country’s success is measured by its economic growth, while others believe that there are more important factors. Do you agree or disagree?

#believe #country’s #success #growth #factors
The developed
country
 depends on economic
growth
. In fact, I personally agree with those who feel that economic
growth
 has a significant effect on developed countries.
Firstly
, economic
growth
 in a
country
 has positive impacts on
people
's welfare.
For example
, countries which have increased economic
growth
,
such
 as Japan and the United States are capable of giving sufficient amenities
such
 as hospitals, schools, universities, and airports, to their folks. It is well known that
facilities
such
 as better health insurance, education and benefits come from revenue in a
country
. So, with sufficient
facilities
,
people
 in a
country
 will feel happy and safe.
Therefore
, economic
growth
 has a significant role, so that the government can plan
facilities
 which appropriate to their
people
's needs.
Secondly
, economic
growth
 leads to enhanced
development
 in a
country
. It is well known that today's developed
country
 capable of enhancing their
development
 regularly, with the
aiming
Replace the word
aim
show examples
 to meet their
people
's needs.
For instance
, Japan and China are continuing to improve their public transportation
such
 as the construction of high-speed train lines to make the public transportation in Japan and China comfortable. So, the better economic
growth
 in a
country
, the greater the
development
 of
facilities
 in that
country
 to meet their
people
's needs.
Therefore
, economic
growth
 is really needed to enhance
development
 and
facilities
 in a
country
. In conclusion, economic
growth
 has a significant role in ensuring prosperity for its
people
 and
capable
Add a missing verb
is capable
show examples
 of enhancing
facilities
 in a
country
. I,
therefore
, remain firmly convinced that economic
growth
 has a significant effect on developed countries.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
Add more viewpoints regarding non-economic factors for a balanced discussion, even if you agree with the economic growth perspective.
coherence cohesion
Ensure smoother transitions between paragraphs to enhance overall flow.
task achievement
The essay presents a clear stance with supporting examples.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas which enhances readability.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly outline and summarize the main argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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