IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that children should be banned from using their phones during the school day. Others believe that children should be allowed to use their phones. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should spend about 40 minutes on this task.

#people #children #phones #school #minutes
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Nowadays, We are living in the era of technology and one of the most technological
trend
Change to a plural noun
trends
show examples
 is the cell phone.
While
Linking Words
 some people people argue that
childten
Correct your spelling
children
 should be prohibited from using their
phones
Use synonyms
 during school days, others
advocated
Wrong verb form
advocate
show examples
 that
phones
Use synonyms
 should be
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
available for
children
Use synonyms
 . From my point of view , I totally agree that
students
Use synonyms
 should not be allowed to use their mobiles in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school days. For those who
are agree
Change the verb form
agree
show examples
 that
children
Use synonyms
 should not use their telephones during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school days ,
a varied reasons
Correct the article-noun agreement
varied reasons
a varied reason
show examples
supported
Wrong verb form
support
show examples
this
Linking Words
 idea.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
phones
Use synonyms
 may cause distribution and prevent
students
Use synonyms
 from being
consentration
Correct your spelling
concentration
 during the class.
That
Linking Words
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
mean
Replace the word
means
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 will be busy
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
looking at their
phones
Use synonyms
 and they lose their focus
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the lessons.
For example
Linking Words
, a study from
UK
Correct article usage
the UK
show examples
 illustrates that 89% of
students
Use synonyms
loose
Replace the word
lose
show examples
 their focus
due to
Linking Words
 using
phones
Use synonyms
 or laptops during
learning
Correct article usage
the learning
show examples
proceee
Correct your spelling
process
.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
banned
Wrong verb form
banning
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 from using their mobiles may enhance
Use synonyms
students
Change noun form
students'
student's
show examples
Add an article
the opportunity
an opportunity
show examples
opportunity
Fix the agreement mistake
opportunities
show examples
 to achieve high marks and
then
Linking Words
 achieve their goals.
In other words
Linking Words
,
childen
Correct your spelling
children
 will 100% pay attention to their teacher's talk which
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them to understand
Correct word choice
and acieve
show examples
acieve
Correct your spelling
achieve
 high progress quickly.
For example
Linking Words
, If the student sits
a
Change preposition
on a
show examples
schoolnwithout
Correct your spelling
school without
 telephone, they will do everything well. For all the above reasons,
phones
Use synonyms
 should not be given to them On the
othr
Correct your spelling
other
 hand, other people supposed that
students
Use synonyms
 should be given their
phones
Use synonyms
. they assumed that
children
Use synonyms
 may help
students
Use synonyms
 a lot in the educational learning process.
to
Capitalize word
To
show examples
 illustrate
this
Linking Words
, a lot of different educational apps are available on
phones
Use synonyms
 so that
students
Use synonyms
 can use them to engage
children
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,
English
Correct article usage
an English
show examples
 speaking app may be very helpful For EFL
students
Use synonyms
.
As it
Correct word choice
It
show examples
 can give them the opportunity to learn
speaks
Verb problem
to speak
show examples
 easily cause
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they will read and listen . To
sump
Correct your spelling
sum
show examples
 up mobile
phones
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become an essential part
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 our life but
children
Use synonyms
 should be
obeserved
Correct your spelling
observed
and get
controled
Correct your spelling
controlled
control
 from dealing with it
directhy
Correct your spelling
directly
.
From
Change the preposition
In
show examples
 my opinion ,
children
Use synonyms
 should be
panned
Correct your spelling
banned
show examples
 from using
phones
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by monahhj123 on

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Introduction clarity
Make sure your introduction provides a clear preview of the discussion and your position.
Sentence variety
Work on varying your sentence structures to improve readability and sophistication in your writing.
Paragraphing
Consider using paragraphs to clearly separate your ideas, making your argument easier to follow.
Spelling and Grammar
Keep a close eye on spelling and grammatical accuracy to enhance the overall clarity and professionalism of your essay.
Use of examples
Cite specific, relevant examples to strengthen your arguments and make them more convincing.
Conclusion effectiveness
Ensure your conclusion succinctly summarizes the main points of your essay and reiterates your opinion clearly.
Task Response
You have addressed both views and provided a clear opinion, which is good for task response.
Vocabulary Range
You've used a reasonable range of vocabulary to express your ideas.
Organization
There's an effort to organize ideas logically, which helps in understanding your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Minimize
  • Distractions
  • Prohibit
  • Cyberbullying
  • Inappropriate
  • Encourage
  • Social interaction
  • Educational apps
  • Safety tool
  • Emergencies
  • Responsible use
  • Balanced approach
  • Restrictions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: