IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Governments should support care vs finance for retired people while others believe that they should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion?

#governments #support #care #finance #people #money
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The number of retired
people
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 increased dramatically year by year who need more attention to get care and support financial conditions from the government. Others think the other solution is that
pensioners
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 should prepare their financial plan by saving money to fulfil their needs in the future. I think both solutions can be applied to solve the problem.
Firstly
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, The authority has a huge impact on
pensioners
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' well-being. In the past,
pensioners
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 gave contributions to the nation as a whole in their
lives
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, so when they finish their role, as appreciated, the government should ensure their
lives
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. The authority shall build retired
community’s
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community
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 homes in several cities so the assistance will be delivered properly to them.
For instance
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, developed countries, namely, Australia, applied regulations which help the
pensioners
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such
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 as residence, medical cure, local business training, and sports community.
As a result
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, retired
people
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 are still productive to undergo their
lives
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.
Secondly
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, the other solution is for elderly
people
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 to prepare their
lives
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 since they are young
while
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 they are working in companies or other sectors. The Younger generation should learn about financial planning as an obligation. So,
people
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 can keep several portions of their salaries every month in old
savings
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. There are so many kinds of
savings
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 that
people
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 can decide on, including insurance life, stock
savings
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, and foreign exchange.
For instance
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, in Indonesia, all new employees are required to choose types of
savings
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 which directly cut from monthly salaries
besides
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 the life insurance that the state provides. In conclusion, I think government support care or independent accumulation are necessary to create well-being
pensioners
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 in the next life so
while
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 these methods elaborate together, it will be good practically and efficient to solve the retired
people
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 problem.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured and flows logically. However, ensure that each paragraph sticks closely to its main point without diverging too much.
task achievement
You've done a good job of presenting both sides of the argument. However, you could improve by providing a slightly more balanced discussion and developing each point a bit further.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly sets the stage for the essay and outlines the two main perspectives on the issue.
task achievement
You used specific examples (like Australia and Indonesia) effectively to support your points.
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