IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that secondary school children should study international news as one of the school subject. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge

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Introduction
Exercise
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 can be useful or cause some mistakes in health. Various
people
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 exist in the world, so everyone can not do every
exercise
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, and some exercises can harm the division of
people
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; in my opinion, I agree about
this
Linking Words
 topic, and I will discuss my results.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, every person at some age can not do each
sport
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for example
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 we don'
t
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 imagine elderly
people
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 can play football similar to pro players or swimming in the
olympics
Change the capitalization
Olympics
show examples
.
secondly
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, some
people
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 are sick in some parts of their body;
for instance
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, since some
people
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 are blind, they can'
t
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 play with normal
people
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, and maybe they are harmed at play. meanwhile, they can play special sports.
Body paragraph 2
in many conditions, humans better do in one or two sports, and they have talent in one
sport
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, so when they like to play another
sport
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, they can develop as football players can'
t
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 play bully.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, in many events of
sport
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, many pro players sometimes can control themselves and
then
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 go to the hospital for
treating
Replace the word
treatment
show examples
. normal
people
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 can always do every
sport
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, but they must sometimes be informed danger doesn'
t
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 sound before;
thus
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, they must pay attention to their health. For me when I was 12 years old. I play tennis every afternoon, one day when I was playing with my classmates In the schoolyard, I felt my hand hurt so I went to the hospital, and I found my hand had broken in the game.
Conclusion
in conclusion, every person has a special situation, and
exercise
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 can be dangerous, sometimes but we must
exercise
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 by paying attention
Change preposition
to warrning
show examples
warrning
Correct your spelling
warning
.

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Structure
Your essay would benefit significantly from clearer structure. To improve, consider organizing your ideas more logically. Use introductory sentences to present your main points and follow up with supporting sentences.
Introduction/Conclusion
Work on enhancing your introduction and conclusion. Both sections should clearly state your stance on the topic and summarize your main points effectively.
Clarity
Focus on the clarity of your ideas. Make sure each paragraph presents a single, clear idea, supported by examples or explanations.
Cohesion
Incorporate a wider range of transition words to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will also help in strengthening the cohesion of your essay.
Examples
Try to use specific examples that clearly support your arguments. This will help in making your essay more persuasive and engaging.
Grammar
Pay attention to sentence structure and punctuation. Proper use of both will enhance the readability and professionalism of your writing.
Understanding of Task
You did well to address the prompt by discussing the importance of suitable exercises for different people, showing an understanding of the task.
Use of Personal Examples
You provided personal examples, which is good for making your arguments more relatable and engaging.
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