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Band 5.5

In some pleces old age is valued, while in other cultures youth is considered more important. discuss both views and give your opinion.

#pleces #age #cultures #youth
The diversity of age makes our
society
flourishing
Wrong verb form
flourish
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 vibrantly. With their unique upbringing, each generation can bring immense contributions
,
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apply
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 but
also
 challenges to our
society
.
While
 elders are well respected in some cultures, youth is
honored
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honoured
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others. In my opinion, I think that both groups are equally important and should be respected and recognized. Many people appreciate the wisdom and maturity of older generations. They have richer
experience
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experiences
show examples
 and have dealt with various hardships in their early years. Some of our grandparents had fought major wars
while
 others faced
with
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apply
show examples
lengths of poverty. They can transcend
from
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apply
show examples
the
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apply
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adversities and become resilient and
wisdom
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wise
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, which can teach young people important life lessons.
Moreover
, they made huge contributions to the development of our
society
 in all fields. Their devoted effort should be well regarded. Take the Cantopop “Lion Rock Spirit” as an example, it praised the older working classes, who
cooperate
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cooperated
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 well and devoted their effort to
rebuild
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rebuilding
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 the aftermath of World War II that crashed Hong Kong.
This
 phenomenon is more prevalent in oriental cultures,
when
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where
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 collaborative rights and authority are emphasized,
which
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and
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 the youngsters need to respect and obey
to
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apply
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the
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their
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 elders. Youth represents the future of the
society
. They seek
for
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apply
show examples
novelty,
Correct word choice
and introduces
show examples
introduces
Correct subject-verb agreement
introduce
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in
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apply
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different innovations and advancements. They
also
 merit open discussions
which
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in which
show examples
 they can express their opinions and receive feedback. Through communication, they can propose solutions to effectively improve various issues. They are still developing and have great potential to succeed, as a majority of teen and emergent adults just landed their head start in their
career
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careers
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 and
pursing
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pursuing
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 education.
Their
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They
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 can bring unexpected achievements which surpass the previous generations.
For instance
 “The Friday School Strike”, which
initiated
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was initiated
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 by a Swedish teenager Greta Thunberg, gathered thousands of like minders to support environmental conservation through Facebook. The strike has captured international awareness, pushed the government to reflect on conservation policies and rewrite laws regarding global warming. The voice of youth has been gaining
its
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apply
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importance in
the
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apply
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modern culture as changes in cultural and societal values
becomes
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have become
show examples
 frequent in recent decades. The adaptability and creativity in young people
leading
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lead
show examples
 them successfully thriving in
this
 everchanging era. In my opinion, I think the younger generation
held
Wrong verb form
holds
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 a greater importance
to
Change preposition
in
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 our
society
. Their performance can predict the fate of a nation. They will be standing in leadership roles,
involve
Change the form of the verb
involved
show examples
 in crucial decisions and shaping the future. The older generation passed on expertise and morals to young
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
Submitted by huiloksumstephanie on

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Task Achievement
Your essay effectively discusses both viewpoints and provides a clear opinion, which is excellent for task achievement. Yet, to further enhance your essay, consider integrating more varied and advanced vocabulary to achieve greater clarity and depth in expressing your ideas.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay demonstrates good logical structure and coherence. To enhance cohesion and coherence, try using a wider range of linking phrases to connect ideas more smoothly and ensure paragraphs flow seamlessly from one to the next.
Introduction
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion, providing a clear framework for the essay.
Use of Examples
You've used examples effectively to support your points, such as the Cantopop "Lion Rock Spirit" and Greta Thunberg's "The Friday School Strike", which adds depth to your discussion and illustrates your arguments well.
Conclusion
The conclusion successfully encapsulates your opinion, reaffirming the significance of both generations while emphasizing the importance of the younger generation.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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