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Band 5.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to leam this.

#people #parents #children #members #society #school #place #leam
Some groups believe that fathers and mothers ought to make young people learn how to be a useful member useful members of the community.
However
, others think that the place of education is the best way for
this
. I will write about these two different points of view and give my own opinion If we look at the family, there are reasons why children can be
thought
Verb problem
apply
show examples
taught better in their family environment.
Firstly
due to
 the range of age ,
parents
 are older which means they have enough maturity and experience to teach their kids.
Secondly
Add a comma
Secondly,
show examples
 the friendly wipe atmosphere in their family might be influenced by their
parents
 more than educational places.
For example
 , my
parents
 had an open mindset so I always felt very comfortable discussing any personal problems with them.
In addition
 , I could consult my mother and father concerning social issues and they would give me extreme advice. By the way ,
However
Fix capitalization
however
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, considering the
school
, students are taught to be respectful to teachers and all of the students they all have to follow the same rules and have discipline. At
school
, children learn how to work and live with people from wider society.
For example
, taking part in sports day teaches them how to cooperate with each other and
finally
 gain social skills. In my opinion, both arguments are important but I would say that
parents
 are the most influential factor,
than
Replace the word
then
show examples
school
 is the next /second because they are
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
closer to the
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 young people and know their children the
mostbest
Correct your spelling
most best
.
However
,
school
 is important too and I’m I am sure that
school
 can develop living skills for life.
Submitted by nugentsr on

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coherence cohesion
Consider structuring your essay more clearly by introducing each paragraph with a topic sentence that ties directly back to the question. This will help in making your argument more evident.
language accuracy
Work on the accuracy of your language use, particularly verb forms and subject-verb agreement, to further clarify your points.
task achievement
Expand on your examples by further explaining how they support your main point, particularly in the paragraph about school's role. Providing more detailed examples can strengthen your argument.
conclusion strength
In your conclusion, try to more clearly articulate your personal standpoint, bringing together the arguments presented in the essay for a more compelling close.
coherence cohesion
You've effectively used a range of connectors ('Firstly', 'Secondly', 'For example', 'However') to structure your arguments, which aids in the essay's overall flow.
task achievement
The essay addresses the topic comprehensively by discussing both views before stating your own opinion, showing good task achievement.
use of examples
Your real-life example ('my parents...') adds a personal touch and helps illustrate your point about family influence, which is a thoughtful way to support your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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