IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

some people believe that it is good to shere as much information as possible in scintific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #shere #information #scintific #research #business #world
Many believe that
free
Correct article usage
the free
show examples
 flow of data in the world would help us to have a global improvement in human quality of life.
Although
 I agree with
this
 notion, I assume that consideration of national profits and local development has
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 utmost importance in deciding which information could be leaked. The human development in the field of science and technology is chained in different countries. There is always a global agreement that anything
that is
 useful, should be accessible
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 all human
being
Fix the agreement mistake
beings
show examples
.
Additionally
, collaboration and cooperation always accelerate the process of development. We can proceed
Change preposition
with others
show examples
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 studies to reach a new scientific achievement and share it. These are what we have been
thought
Verb problem
taught
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
childhood in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
schools.
However
, it seems that the world does not work in
this
 manner.
Todays
Fix the agreement mistake
Today
show examples
, the most valuable item in the world is information. With the use of mega-data,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
scientists can predict the
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
 of any system. They can predict even your choices when you go shopping.
Although
 its usage in marketing and trading is well-known, some unbelievable consequences
such
 as predicting political
election
Fix the agreement mistake
elections
show examples
 and governmental decisions in challenging situations are
also
 the results of
these analysis
Change the determiner
this analysis
these analyses
show examples
.
On the other hand
, I am not convinced that other countries
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
always
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 in
common
Add an article
the common
a common
show examples
 share of profit. I believe
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 every government thinks about its own people and their well-being.
Consequently
, being deceitful about
others nation
Fix the agreement mistake
other nations
show examples
profit
Fix the agreement mistake
profits
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 could be a predictable
demeaner
Correct your spelling
demeanour
.
Overall
,
although
 in theory, people in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
different countries can share their data to help human improvement, I believe all nations have to be wise about the consequences.
Submitted by zhr82.rahmani on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task Achievement
Your essay addresses the prompt well, discussing both views and offering your own opinion. However, to further improve, ensuring that your examples are as specific and relevant as possible will make your argument more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay is well-organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. For improvement, consider varying your sentence structures more and ensuring smoother transitions between ideas to enhance readability.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a clear stance and discusses both views as requested by the prompt.
Coherence & Cohesion
You effectively use a logical structure to organize your essay, which aids in the overall readability and coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: