IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this, and what are some of the long-term effects?

#governments #improvements #healthcare #system #health #countries #effects
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Despite
to bring
Verb problem
the
show examples
 developments in the healthcare system
have
Correct pronoun usage
that have
show examples
 worked by the
governments
Use synonyms
, the
overall
Linking Words
fundamental
Fix the agreement mistake
fundamentals
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 of physical health in some countries which developed
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 going down. There are several main reasons and their long-term influences, and in
this
Linking Words
 essay, it will be discussed. First of all, in spite of
governments
Use synonyms
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 to improve
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system,
however
Linking Words
, there is not observed any development. One of the main reasons is that the number of restaurants
which are sold
Wrong verb form
that sell
show examples
 the majority of junk foods and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
meals
Use synonyms
 which are
included
Wrong verb form
include
show examples
 chemical additives is increasing day by day at an alarming rate. Unsurprisingly, these
meals
Use synonyms
 attract the individuals’
attentions
Fix the agreement mistake
attention
show examples
 and people
great
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
derive pleasure from the
meals
Use synonyms
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the number of individuals who are obese is going up.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it is capable of
cause
Wrong verb form
causing
show examples
workings
Correct article usage
the workings
show examples
 of
governments
Use synonyms
 on
healthcare
Add an article
the healthcare
show examples
 system
cannot
Verb problem
not
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affect
Fix the infinitive
to affect
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 the average
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
physical health positively. Another reason worth noting is that there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not
saw
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a lot of sports facilities in
parks
Correct article usage
the parks
show examples
 of countries.
Hence
Linking Words
, people who eat
meals
Use synonyms
 containing chemical additives are not able to burn off their calories and it leads to
put
Change the verb form
putting
show examples
 on extra weight. With regard to
effects
Correct article usage
the effects
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 of
this
Linking Words
 problem, one of the main influences is that individuals can suffer from more enormous health-related issues,
such
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 as cancer and heart diseases and they have the opportunity to lead to death.
Moreover
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, citizens can leave their countries and
this
Linking Words
 situation might affect the number of dwellers
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
 of sports facilities. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
governments
Use synonyms
 try to find some solutions, they cannot increase
average
Correct article usage
the average
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
physical health. There are primary reasons and their effects.
Submitted by writingbhos on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Ensure your essay is well-structured, with clear paragraphs including an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
Task Achievement
Focus on supporting your main points with clear examples or evidence. This strengthens your argument and makes it more compelling.
Coherence & Cohesion
Work on varying your sentence structures to make your essay more engaging and easier to follow.
Task Achievement
Be careful with the accuracy of your language to avoid misunderstandings and make your arguments clearer.
Task Achievement
You have successfully identified potential reasons for the declining standard of physical health in developed countries and discussed long-term effects.
Coherence & Cohesion
Your essay structure includes an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is good practice for coherent writing.
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