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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

In many countries, teenagers are encouraged to find part-time jobs. Some think this is a good development while others disagree. Discuss both sides and give your own opinion.

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Recently, the world has been moving faster than in the past with striking innovative gadgets that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 demand;
however
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, those gadgets come with significant costs.
As a result
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, the youth are seeking ways to earn money
such
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 as taking on part-time jobs. In
this
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 essay, I will explain both the advantages and disadvantages of
teenagers
Use synonyms
 working at an early age. On the negative side, the main drawbacks include the distraction of studies and potential negative influences from the workplace.
Firstly
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, when
teenagers
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 work, they might lose focus on other important priorities,
such
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 as their education, and they discard their studies and miss out on essential knowledge that should be acquired in their formative period.
Secondly
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, the workplace environments affect risks; it is uncertain whether it will be negative or positive. If they are impacted by bad influences, they could be led toward harmful behaviour,
such
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 as drug addiction, in the worst case, turning into drug dealers.
On the contrary
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 side, the most significant benefits are personal development and career path exploration. In terms of personal development, engagement in work can teach responsibility, time management and the value of money, skills that are invaluable in their life.
In addition
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, part-time jobs offer
teenagers
Use synonyms
 an experience in various industries, helping them make decisions about future careers.Their journey particularly allows the youth to test their interest and talents in a real-world setting.
Moreover
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,
this
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 approach can enhance their resumes, making them more attractive and providing a competitive edge in the job market. In conclusion, like every investment, part-time work for
teenagers
Use synonyms
 comes with its own risks and rewards.
While
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 it provides invaluable skills and career insights, it can
also
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 distract from educational priorities and blend them into potentially harmful environments.
Therefore
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, the parents should support them to balance these aspects.

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Task Achievement
Try to include more detailed examples to illustrate your points; this strengthens your argument and makes your essay more persuasive.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've done well in structuring your essay logically with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, creating a coherent and cohesive essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
For higher scores, ensure that your introduction more clearly outlines the points you will discuss, and your conclusion summarises your arguments and personal stance more succinctly.
Task Achievement
It's beneficial to develop your arguments further by exploring both sides of the argument in more depth. This can be achieved by adding more varied points of view and additional examples.
Task Achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view of both the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers working part-time jobs.
Coherence and Cohesion
The structure of your essay, with clear distinctions between paragraphs and well-defined arguments, enhances coherence and cohesion.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've successfully introduced and concluded your essay, effectively framing your discussion.
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