IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some sports are extremely dangerous for those who play them. Why do people participate in such sports? What measures could they take to minimize the risk involved?

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There are some
sports
Use synonyms
 which are terribly hazardous for their
players
Use synonyms
. There are some reasons for their doers
along with
Linking Words
 precautions that can be taken to prevent from being injured or decrease the chance of it which are going to be discussed in
this
Linking Words
 essay. It is universally accepted that exercise is one of the bases that can enhance people's health situation. In the meantime, there are some
sports
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
Karate
Use synonyms
 or Wrestling which are quite rough and can bring about major or minor injuries. As a matter of fact, those who play these
sports
Use synonyms
 are the actual lovers of these sorts of exercises despite being dangerous.
For instance
Linking Words
, my cousin has played
Karate
Use synonyms
 since childhood and prefers to abandon school rather than
Karate
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 her interest in that.
In addition
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, researches show that these kinds of
sports
Use synonyms
 boost the self-confidence of the
players
Use synonyms
. All in all, they do not consider the consequences
while
Linking Words
 deciding about them. Given these circumstances, one should protect him or herself in order to take part in
such
Linking Words
sports
Use synonyms
 and not be affected
due to
Linking Words
 their roughness. By way of illustration, in wrestling, they have to be very cautious about their ears which are prone to be broken easily,
not to mention
Linking Words
 the majority of the
players
Use synonyms
 have lost their ears' standard shape when they engage professionally.
Also
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 in
Karate
Use synonyms
, all
players
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 have to wear some protectors on different parts of their body so as to avoid being injured,
this
Linking Words
 is important , especially over the face and head and other vulnerable spots on the waist downward. In a nutshell, one should be conservative enough to prevent from being influenced. In conclusion,
although
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 some
sports
Use synonyms
 are very attractive and absorb enormous
players
Use synonyms
 and at the same time have the potential to endanger them, there are some actions that can be taken in order to neutralize the possible dangers which have been discussed in
this
Linking Words
 article.

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structure
Continue to structure your essay with clear paragraphs, each addressing a specific part of the question. This enhances the logical flow and clarity of your argument.
coherence
To further enhance the coherence of your essay, work on linking sentences more smoothly within paragraphs. Using a variety of linking words can help with this.
analysis
While your examples are relevant and support your points well, consider deepening your analysis of these examples to show how they specifically relate to the question's broader context.
accuracy
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and refine your usage of vocabulary for greater precision and variety. This will improve the overall professionalism and readability of your writing.
Task Response
You effectively addressed all parts of the prompt, providing a balanced discussion on why people participate in dangerous sports and how they can minimize risk.
Organization
You showed a good ability to organize your essay with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which helps in making your argument clear and easy to follow.
Example Use
The use of specific examples, such as the reference to Karate and wrestling, effectively supports your points and makes your essay more convincing.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • adrenaline rush
  • thrill-seeking
  • physical and mental boundaries
  • peer pressure
  • media influence
  • cultural norms
  • livelihood
  • extensive training
  • state-of-the-art
  • safety equipment
  • governing bodies
  • regulations
  • supervision
  • risk assessment
  • emergency plans
  • minimize risks
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