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Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people think that with the increasing use of mobile phones and computers, people lose the ability to communicate face to face. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #phones #computers #ability #face
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Nowadays,
communication
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 technology has remarkably advanced in the past few decades. With more
people
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 tend to use their mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
 and
computers
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. Whether it will lose
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face to
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
face
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communication
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 skills or not, which becomes a hot controversy. Meanwhile, I disagree with the statement. Mobile
phones
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 and
computers
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 let time
as well as
Linking Words
 distance no longer be barriers
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 talking.
People
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 are easy to talk with
others
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 nowadays. They are able to share their opinions via messages. Distance is
longer
Rephrase
no longer
show examples
 a barrier
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 sharing ideas.
For instance
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, there are numerous
people
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immigrate
Correct pronoun usage
who immigrate
show examples
 to other countries in Hong Kong.
However
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, they are not embarrassed even if they visit
others
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face
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 to
face
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. The reason is
because
Replace the word
that
show examples
 they can
rely
Add the preposition
rely on
rely upon
show examples
communication
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 tools
from
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apply
show examples
online,
share
Correct word choice
and share
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 their
informations
Change the wording
information
pieces of information
show examples
 without any cost
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
refresh
Replace the word
refreshing
show examples
 relationships.
Therefore
Linking Words
, with the aid of mobile
phones
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 and
computers
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, it encourages humans to have more
chances
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 to talk.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, mobile
phones
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 and
computers
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 have allowed more
chances
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 for
people
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 to know different
people
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. There are many applications like Omi
as well as
Linking Words
 Tinder and Coffee Meet Bagel, which allow
people
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 to have more
chances
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 to know more
people
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. They can share culture and
hobby
Fix the agreement mistake
hobbies
show examples
 with different users.
For example
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, adults have
limiting
Wrong verb form
limited
show examples
 ways to know more
people
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 after they enter the workplace. Meanwhile,
social
Add an article
a social
the social
show examples
 network
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
creates possibilities for them to meet with
others
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.
Its
Correct pronoun usage
It
show examples
 has
boarden
Correct your spelling
broaden
boarded
 their horizons
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 makes they are more confident to talk with
others
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face
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 to
face
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.
Thus
Linking Words
, with the
chances
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 provided by mobile
phones
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 and
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
, peoples’
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face to
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
face
Use synonyms
communication
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 skills will become better. In conclusion, with the aid of mobile
phones
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 and
computers
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, it eliminates the barrier
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
communication
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 and creates more
chances
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 for
people
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 to talk.
Therefore
Linking Words
, with the surging use of electronic devices,
people
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 will not lose the ability to talk
Use synonyms
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
face to
Add a hyphen
face-to-face
show examples
face
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by oscar77734644 on

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Introduction
Try to provide a clearer introduction that directly responds to the essay question, stating your position clearly from the beginning.
Coherence
Incorporate a range of linking words and phrases to improve the flow between sentences and paragraphs. This will enhance coherence.
Examples
Provide more varied and specific examples to support your arguments, which will improve the persuasiveness of your essay.
Grammar
Review grammar and punctuation to ensure clarity and professionalism in your writing.
Paragraph Structure
Work on paragraph structure to ensure each one begins with a clear topic sentence which outlines the main idea of the paragraph.
Content
Your essay provides a balanced view on the topic, showing an understanding of both sides of the argument.
Use of Examples
You've used examples to support your arguments, which helps to clarify your points.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • erosion
  • interpersonal skills
  • overreliance
  • digital communication platforms
  • convenience
  • efficiency
  • social bonds
  • enhance
  • bridging long distances
  • fostering connections
  • age groups
  • adept
  • integrating
  • landscape
  • emotional intelligence
  • nuances
  • striking a balance
  • limitations
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