IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drink that has been scientifically proved to be bad for people's health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#shops #food #drink #people #health
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These days there are many processed
foods
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 that are of questionable nutritional value, possibly justifying bans.
However
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, whether
such
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foods
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 are actually bad for
people
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's
health
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 is up for debate, and they should
therefore
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 generally continue to be sold. There are many
foods
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 sold in supermarkets that are not particularly healthy, and there are certainly grounds for banning them from sale. Soft drinks and high-fat fast
foods
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 are generally
energy dense
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energy-dense
show examples
 but nutritionally poor and may lead to chronic or even fatal diseases like diabetes or some cancers. If manufacturers were prevented from selling them, there would be considerable savings in
health
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 costs and even deaths.
However
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, practically speaking there are probably insufficient reasons for preventing shops from selling unhealthy food items. First of all, there is the dilemma over defining what is bad for
people
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's
health
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. The effect on
people
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's
health
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 of any food is likely to depend on the amount consumed and any person's
overall
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 diet.
Therefore
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, unless
foods
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 contain a particularly harmful substance, drawing a clear line about what scientists might define as unhealthy or healthy is very difficult, particularly since almost all
foods
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 contain useful calories for the body.
In addition
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, care needs to be taken not to affect
people
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's individual freedoms with dietary choices. In conclusion,
while
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 there are some good arguments for banning
foods
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 that are unhealthy,
overall
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 it can be said that
such
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 a decision is too problematic.
At the end
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 of the day, individuals' well-educated judgement calls may be the best approach.
Submitted by hamzayevasamina on

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Task Achievement
Ensure that your essay directly addresses the question throughout, considering a clear stance in the introduction and maintaining it consistently.
Task Achievement
Consider expanding your argument with more specific examples and evidence to further support your points and increase the persuasive power of your essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Use a range of linking words and phrases to help connect ideas more clearly and effectively. While your essay demonstrates good structure, further variety in these can enhance readability and coherence.
Coherence and Cohesion
Scrutinize your arguments for any areas where elaboration or clarification could strengthen them. Occasionally, assertions could benefit from deeper examination or more explicit connections to the central thesis.
Coherence and Cohesion
Excellent job in structuring your essay, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion, which aids in presenting a coherent argument.
Task Achievement
Good utilization of examples to illustrate your points, although further specific instances could enrich the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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