IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say in order to prevent illness and disease, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Many individuals claim that in order to avoid sickness and conditions, authorities must concentrate
reducing
Change preposition
on reducing
show examples
 habitat pollution and housing issues. Personally, I partly agree with
this
Linking Words
 suggestion based on some major reasons that are explained in
this
Linking Words
 essay. First and foremost, there are some persuasive rationales that support the claim that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments should solve
this
Linking Words
 problem
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
sickness
Add an article
the sickness
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
's health. In
this
Linking Words
 day and age,
due to
Linking Words
 the increasing of
vehicles
Use synonyms
 in urban areas, the atmosphere of these areas has been polluted seriously by the carbon footprint level.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it's increasing significantly for the number of individuals who suffer from illnesses related to lung and cardiovascular disease.
This
Linking Words
 would result in their inability to contribute their workforce to our country.
This
Linking Words
 led to
this
Linking Words
 nation's failure to develop efficiently. If the government can avoid these environmental problems, boost economic development and transform the quality of living of the whole population.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, despite the idealistic nature of reducing
vehicles
Use synonyms
 nowadays, it actually leads to some disadvantages in
people
Use synonyms
's lives. If the governments can cut down the number of transportation, residents may choose public transport to replace their own , it
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the stations in the whole world crowded and busy.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 might be not punctual and inconvenient.
As a result
Linking Words
, governments need to encourage individuals to use non-gasoline
vehicles
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as cars that run electric. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are mixed options on determining whether the effect of emissions from
vehicles
Use synonyms
 should be reduced by
people
Use synonyms
's awareness, I think that the government still need to support them in using non-pollution transport. Whilst, the problems for
people
Use synonyms
's health should receive the attention.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Strengthen your arguments with more specific examples and evidence to make your points more persuasive and comprehensive. Relating real-world instances or data can bolster your argument significantly.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow within paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph elaborates on one central idea and leads the reader clearly through your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and a conclusion that summarizes the main points. This helps in clearly framing your perspective and reinforcing your argument at the end.
task achievement
The response addresses the task fairly well, discussing both environmental pollution and housing problems in relation to illnesses, which shows a good understanding of the topic.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventive healthcare
  • environmental regulations
  • respiratory diseases
  • public health policies
  • sanitation facilities
  • urban planning
  • communicable diseases
  • socio-economic factors
  • sustainable development
  • government intervention
  • healthcare infrastructure
  • industrial emissions
  • air quality index
  • affordable housing
  • mental wellbeing
What to do next:
Look at other essays: