IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people say in order to prevent illnesses and diseases, governments should focus on reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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A number of people argue that the authority should focus on dealing with housing problems and environmental pollution. The author agrees with
this
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 statement
due to
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 harmful pollutants and
risk
Correct article usage
the risk
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 of disease spreading. It must be acknowledged that pollutants
stem
Wrong verb form
stemming
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 from environmental pollution can directly affect people’s health. The use of
pesticide
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pesticides
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 and other chemical substances
contaminate
Correct subject-verb agreement
contaminates
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 water,
earth
Correct article usage
the earth
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 and even the growing food which severely
damage
Correct subject-verb agreement
damages
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 the health of humans and animals.
Additionally
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, dust and smoke in the polluted air, radiation
as well as
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 thermal pollution all put humans’ lives at risk by causing disorders and changes within their bodies. Take New Zealand
for example
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, a report in 2016 revealed that the gradual increase in deaths throughout every month, pointing out the main culprit was nothing else but pollutants in the environment. Thereby, persuading the government’s immediate actions regarding
this
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 problem. Another point
that is
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 worth mentioning is the downgrade of life’s quality caused by poor housing management and qualification. Without the help to understand the requirements of a qualified accommodation, many individuals including landlords and landladies are unaware of mistakes made
while
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 operating a shelter.
As a result
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, the appearance of mice, mosquitoes and other harmful insects can be witnessed and these small animals can easily spread diseases from
regions
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region
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 to
regions
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region
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. A prime example that can be seen was the increase in malaria sufferers on a regional mountain located in Dak Nong, Viet Nam where the authority did not pay much attention leading to the deaths of hundreds of people
not to mention
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 the spread to lower areas. In conclusion, the presence of harmful
pollutant
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pollutants
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 and insects can have a detrimental effect on lives.
Therefore
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, the
authority
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authorities
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 ought to tackle these problems in order to ensure that illnesses are under control.

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Introduction & Thesis Statement
To enhance your essay, ensure a clear and concise introduction that outlines your main arguments effectively. Though well-stated, refining your thesis statement could provide a stronger foundation for your argument.
Supporting Details & Examples
In discussing examples and supporting details, maintain a balance between elaboration and clarity. While your examples are relevant, focusing on conciseness could make your argument more impactful.
Transitions & Cohesion
Incorporate transitional phrases more consistently to improve the flow between paragraphs and ideas. This will enhance the overall coherence of your essay.
Topic Sentences
For even stronger cohesion, maintain a clear topic sentence at the beginning of each paragraph that succinctly captures the main idea you will explore.
Task Achievement
To further establish task achievement, ensure all parts of the prompt are addressed thoroughly. While you've done well, explicitly stating how government actions in these areas could prevent diseases would strengthen your response.
Use of Examples
Your examples, especially the case studies provided from New Zealand and Viet Nam, effectively illustrate your arguments and enhance the persuasiveness of your essay.
Argument Development
Your essay demonstrates a strong understanding of the topic with a well-reasoned argument that supports your agreement with the statement. This reflects excellent task achievement.
Structure & Clarity
The structure of your essay, with a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively frames your arguments and makes your position clear to the reader.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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